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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Missing Year




2016.
Was the biggest year of my life. And also the only year since 2010 that I have not written. It's so strange to me that happened. Especially considering the way internet blogs have taken off you would really have thought I might have wanted to jump on that bandwagon. But no, I did nothing and everything at the same time.

In the beginning of 2016, I went to South America. I traveled around Argentina with a girlfriend with a back pack. Considering that I am one of the only people in my family of three generations to leave the US, I feel like I could have really touched on somethings at the time that were going through my mind, but honestly I was chain smoking and drinking a shit ton of Malbec. And it was fucking amazing. Except the backpack. Fuck the back pack. People do that for fun, and fun that is not. You must be really committed to traveling a very specif way to enjoy the back pack. I burned mine when I got home.

I began a new relationship at the end of 2015, with who is now the love of my life and father to my beautiful baby boy. That was pretty crazy. After being in years of serious relationships previously, I never so much as had more then a week scare (you know what I'm talking about) to only at 26 years old getting ready to travel to Spain for a month did we find out six months into dating that we were going to be parents. I knew I had always wanted kids, but to be forced to leave an era behind hit me really hard. We then together with our baby growing in my belly at four months, took the long trip over to Europe to meet his family, and travel about some of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT. Turns out to my dismay, traveling isn't really for pregnant people. Seriously, don't do it. I mean fuck. None the less, it was a great experience traveling together. Even though I knew I loved this man, after traveling over 20 hours and then at the last stretch having to sleep together four months pregnant on the floor of the Las Vegas airport and still happy to be next him. That's when I knew. I knew what the say you should know, when you know? I hope you follow.
Then at my baby shower in front of my friends and family he proposed. And it was the best day of my life. The last time I remember even being close to that happy, was the first time I went to Burning Man. And then times that by a million. 

Then continue the second and third trimesters of pregnancy. And that is a wild ride. So many emotions and physical hurtles. Really for the most part mine was great, but truth be told I'm to fun for pregnancy. Shit is hard and boring and then hard again. I can say with a doubt, I love being a mom. A pregnant lady, not so much. Getting up in the middle of the night, the crying, the shitting and my personal favorite (not) breastfeeding, all in my opinion beats being pregnant. I love my baby. Seriously I fucking love that baby so much, I actually have fantasized about ripping someone head off with my bare hands if they try to hurt him. It is crazy. I know, I know people have always said it, "you don't understand until you have kids" and holy shit is that true. In the best and worst ways.

January 17, 2017 I gave birth a healthy baby boy that was 7lbs 14oz and 21in long. And life changed forever.

There it is, the missing year. Writing this is really just a preface of what is to come now. And no this is not going to turn party girl into mommy/recipe blog. Nope, not my shit. There will be mom stuff to for sure, but still just life stuff. Things that let us know hopefully that we are still connected, even though we are growing and changing, we are still heading somewhat in the same direction. And honestly I'm engaged now and give far fewer shits then I used to. I'm excited.



Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Question of The Hour.

      Some of us are about at the age now, I would say between 21 and 30, were we are start to understand what it is we really want. We have grown up and learned about the world, we have learned that its not fair and that not everyone will get a blue ribbon past the age of 16. We have learned about love and the fact that its not always easy, but having someone your corner though out this life is far better, then being forever alone and closed off. Not saying that being alone and happy isn't liberating in its own right, I truly believe the only way to be happy with someone is to first be happy with what you are bringing to the table to begin with.

    So the question of the hour is what do we do with all this knowledge we have acquired during these 25-30 years we have lived? I have been coming across these people in my life that are my peers, and they have no idea what the next step is. We look at social media for guidance these days, example"...Chelsey and I started dating our boyfriends at the exact same and now she is engaged and has an entire board full of boho wedding chic ideas, and I'm over just looking up funny memes, about how I'll try cure everything with coconut oil...".  Why in the fuck does it matter?????
     Our parents were forced into a social norm of getting married young(er) and having kids and fitting the good fight, with weed hidden in the garage or maybe some nasty drinking problems. But at least they were facing things head on. In this generation, things are being based off of what other people are perceiving of you. We cannot know what we want, when the only thing we are thinking about is how cool things are that other people have and all cool shit that they are doing.

   Even in our relationships we are constantly comparing ourselves with other people. Instead of using the knowledge that we have gained over the years of actually living. I guess my real question too is, when do we really know who we are and what we want? When does this ultimate knowing of the things that will make us truly happy in life, start to dictate our actions and thoughts. Verses the life of constant comparing and waiting for things to fall in our lap, because that worked out so well for so and so. When will we reach a point with other people, where we can look at them without fear or shame and tell them exactly what it is we expect and need from them to make us feel whole. The experiences we go through in life are all lessons for us to be able to extract tools from to build the future we truly want. Experiences, not fucking Facebook pictures of others peoples awesome lives, but real life experiences. So now knowing this, the question still stands, what do you want, what are your values and beliefs that build the foundation of who you are and when we will be able to make better choices based on what we already know from the past?

I know heavy shit, going up on a Tuesday?


Thursday, July 30, 2015

Let's Blog It Out. 2015.

This year has been the worst year of writing for me yet. Which is upsetting due to the fact that my passion in life is writing. Coupled with drinking coffee in bed until the late afternoon. I am a beacon of health my friends.

Lets jump right into it. I am a twenty five year old woman who loves mermaids, wine and luxury vacations. Who doesn't right! Well I also am not a millionaires sugar baby, I know, I know you are probably sad that I wont be posting obnoxiously grand photos of my perfect body, on a hidden beach somewhere wonderful in the world, boating on a yacht, drinking "de-tox" tea, and writing posts with the titles " 10 REASONS WHY HE THINKS YOUR IDIOT FOR BLAMING EVERY SHITTY THING YOU DO ON YOUR ZODIAC SIGN." But I feel like if you have any ounce of soul left in you, then we might be able to find some things in real life to relate on.

I have lately been thinking about my target demographic...which I suppose consists on the ladies and gents who are in there 20-30 somethings who are or are not spending their nights on Instagram or Pintrest staring at bodies they don't have or wedding venues they can't afford. Guys go though it too, they see boats, homes and careers they don't have and do equal amounts of self shaming. On the topic of self hatred ladies, I promise you waist training is NOT science. Look it up. However, to make sure we stay on the the same playing field I will ensure you, I have one and I fucking LOVE it. Yeah, I said it. It's awesome, I'm like a blonde hybrid of Kim K and Kate Upton, when I put that bitch on. Or at least that's what I think.

I also don't have much to say in the avenue of child bearing or up bringing. I have no opinion yet on the matters of, "To whip the tit out, or to not whip the tit out in public," the never ending debate that floods my social media accounts. And when the time comes for me, I am sure, I will understand that the struggle is indeed, oh so real.

I'm also a little to old to really understand the movement of taking a hundred pictures of myself on my cell phone and then looking up a quote that I believe matches the demeanor of my facial expressions, then finding that perfect filter that is just going to really let everyone know the real state of mind I'm in...or just convince my ex that I am having a fucking blast without them. Who knows?
I'm also in not quite in the place, where I can label pictures with things like, #squad, #bae or a number of the other things people label their group of friends that are "better then yours".



So I guess now what  I am looking for from my audience, is help for the first time. What does my generation what to read about? What do you want to talk about? I write about real things, that people think and feel, when they aren't only trying to focus on finding the WiFi password. For example, I woke up the other day at noon and immediately wrote in my journal in bold letters, "LIFE GOALS, WAKE UP WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO." You get what I am saying? Lets blog it out. I love all of you. Tell me things.




Thursday, March 26, 2015

A Letter For My Future

To My Child At 25,

You're just starting to figure it out. You're looking around at certain situations and people, and realizing you might be ready for something different. You're changing and growing. This is the time were you will witness the ones who will stay in what they know, stay comfortable and stay stagnent verses the ones who will split away from what they know, the parties they are always at, the people they always associate with to find a better way. A more exciting way, with passion and the thrill of the unknown. 

You will start beginning to truly understand people. You will understand what they are saying merrily by wether they can look in your eye or they way the dodge you glance or touch. You start to understand motives in people. Some will lift you up and inspire you to be better and some will always surprise you with the level of indifference toward their fellow man.

You will hurt people, you will make mistakes. People will hurt you, and they are allowed to make mistakes. The difference now is,the mistakes you make can impact you for longer then you would imagine. People are quicker to leave, and more then ever, you will see the injustice of actions. 

You will see just how cowardly some people can be, even yourself. As adult they call it the name of "saving face", if I have raised you well my dear, I hope this fraise never means anything to you. I hope in your coming of years you never feel shame for saying how you feel, though others find it in poor taste. 

Should you be able to waid curiously and safely though the years of exposure to drugs and alcohol, I hope that would have found the light and intimacy, these things have to offer. Now I trust you know more then ever, that mood enhances if you will, are merely a false imations of the time you are having. You at this point are starting to see the difference in people enhancing and depending. It's awaking and sad, but it's starting to set in.

More importantly don't be afraid to be afraid. Afraid of the unknown and taking risks. At this point my lovely, you have figured out by now, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. If you let fear dictact your actions you will truly fall by the wayside and get by. Now is the time to be forth coming and risky. Let's face it, though you try to party like Drake on spring break, you don't have shit to lose. So go and just keep going. You find it. 

Getting your shit together is both wonderful and a little sad at the same time. Closing the doors on people, things and situations you used to love being apart of is terrifying. Embrace the new though, remember how you felt looking at the 35 year old guy at college bar? Remember that feeling, it comes faster then you think. The new drug,is starting to wake up before noon on Saturday and the person your sleeping with hopefully means something to you. 

Just know too that you are loved and supported and everyone at the time is starting to look around as well, and the ones that are not, are maybe the ones you should be looking at. You have a few more years to really get things going, so figure it out. Drink some coffee, smoke a cigarette, then quit for good, because the shit sucks. Like really sucks, even if it super fun and social. It sucks. 

And remember, you're almost there.

Love,

Your Mother at 25






Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Exposure.

             There comes that moment in every relationship. When the honeymoon portion of the relationship runs thin and you start to see the transparent parts of each other. There is discovery in this portion, you learn how far you can go on certain things, how far they can go on certain things and whether or not it right for you. I call this period the exposure. Some people reach it quick, for others it can take years. They are big moments, like the first fight, the first time you cry, the first time you look at the other person without the pure intent to be nice to them.
           The older I get oddly enough, this is the time I treasure the most. I've been to enough rodeos to know that  this is the real deal. It's easy to get along with a lot of people in the beginning. It's lite risk, like putting 5 on a hand off blackjack and coming up. It's fun and easy. Sit in on that table game for a while and shit will get real. You'll see the people who know when they have a good thing and take it for what it is, and you will also find those that will be continuously chasing their loses. 
       The exposure is about being who you really are and having someone look at you after the amazing date were you both dressed up and had cocktails and laughed and put your best foot forward. Little did you know someone roofied both your drinks and you would later have to beat each other to the toilet for the rest of the evening after everyone publicly watch you vomit on your new dress (true story of a true friend). Then waking up next to one another with dick breathe and just being able to still love and laugh. After all of that. That is where truly the good stuff comes from. The trust is built on those moments. Moments of vulnerability. When we aren't seen at our best, in fact even maybe a step below our worst. Two things will be seen, the will to stay or the chance to leave. This period of time is what will pave the way for the rest of our lives in our relationships. Whether we choose to be alone or choose to share ourselves with another.
       So my ending thought on this is, don't be scared off by these rough patches and if you are (you are a huge pussy) not ready to give to someone else and don't waste your time or theirs. Everyone gets a bad day and needs someone on their team. You choose to be there and vice versa. Because let me tell you being single is awesome no doubt, but there is close to nothing more fulfilling in the world then knowing you threw up in your own purse the night before, rolling over and the man who bought it for you will still reach over and want to snuggle the shit outta you. It might not be how Shakespeare portrayed it, but friends it's the facts. 




I hope all of you, no matter what have someone on your team.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Coming To Terms.

Well I only missed my birthday card to myself by two months, but that is more my style anyway.

The past few months have been a blur, I suppose it's that time in life again. Time to change, time to move, time to learn more about yourself. Indeed, I have learned about myself throughout the years, so here it is in writing a few of things I have come to know in my early twenties...

  • Nothing is free. No favor, no dinner, no cocktail. Everything comes with a price.
  • There is absolutely nothing that time can not heal. Including bad credit.
  • It does not matter what age you are as a woman, if you like someone another woman likes you are fat. No rhyme or reason. Just fat. That's the answer.
  • Dating gets harder and easier at the same time.
  • Slowly but surely you get better with money. Savings accounts do exist.
  • You want to spend more time with your family. Siblings especially.
  • Goal weight actaully doesn't exist...just five more pounds.
  • Hangovers come correct.
  • The friends you have at this moment are the ones you will have the rest of your life.
  • Sleeping at someone else house at this point in life, is wildly inconvenient and uncomfortable.
  • A lot of us are as good looking as we will ever be.
  • These are some of the best times of our lives. 
  • Instead of it being crazy to be getting married, it's more like " what's wrong with her?'
  • There are clothes you are no longer aloud to wear. 
  • Saying "like" more then once in a sentence is unacceptable.
  • Things such as hikes and golfing are sounding more and more appealing.
  • Buying a dog and being able to afford to feed it is a good feeling.
  • Cocktailing and bartending is losing it charm. Being hott pays the bills...with your soul.
These are just a few brief examples of some of things that I have come across in the past couple years that may be leading me to believe my parents weren't completely full of shit.  I write these little things for me, but also maybe for others too. I want reassure people, your not the only one who feels weird about shopping at Charolette Russe or Forever 21. Or for the fellas, it's really not that strange you want to have a steady girl to treat right. It feels good being able to wake up before noon on a Sunday. I know, I know I am coming to terms with this as well. You don't have to apologize for partyin'...but can we maybe do brunch instead?

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The "L" Word.

      First please don’t insult me by suggesting I am talking about telling someone you love them. We are adults. The l word I am talking about is leave. The reason I bring this word up is because when I tell someone I love them, that is what I am thinking about. I love you to me, means I can not stand the idea of you leaving my life. The older I get, the more patient I have become. I didn't understand what love felt like when I was younger. All I knew was this anxious and confused feeling all the time. Wondering where this person I cared so deeply for was, who they were talking to and for what purposes. People say that’s not love, but in a way it is. Its young love. Not knowing quite what it is you want from another person, but knowing one thing with all your little heart...no one else can have them.

    I have loved a handful of men in my life and each time, I have grown to know what defines love a little more each time. But the one thing I am certain of at this point, love is knowing life will never be the same without that person. And sometimes that is not always a bad thing. Love is so vast and so wide no one could truly ever describe to one person what it means to feel it by a series of bullet points or rules. The cliché saying “if you love them, let them go...” is true. You can love someone and still know at the same it’s not right, it’s not forever or it’s not mutual.


      However no matter the lessons I have come to learn over time, one always had remained the same. Love for me is staying. The love, I want anyway. Through the good and bad days. And there are bad days. Good days are implied. But the bad days get rough. But when you love someone, it doesn’t matter. You fight and conquer. Then there are times I believe you can exhaust love, and the will to fight can die. When you love someone, the reasons to stay out way the reasons to leave. That is why love is so damn terrifying, if I am going to use what I feel is the most relatable word. Because when you admit to loving someone and letting them in, you are lifting your gates and lowering your shield, and you’re vulnerable. Then we are accepting of the fact, that this person has the means to bring the castle down. But when you love someone you risk the chance to have them leave, to have them stay in your life, for however long that may be. People will come and go. For me a relationship is defined on whether or not that it matters to me if you choose to leave. I know I can be shrill and cutting the cord for me is easier than most. I have tried in growing up to not be so cold, and appreciate the people who can’t dump others like trash that was missed on Monday.

 We choose the ones worth suffering for I suppose. In a strange way, I find solace in that.