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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Going to the Circus

There is almost nothing that does not scare me. The idea of settling down with someone I love and who loves me, or beginning a free spirit that has no attachment or obligation to anything or anyone else. I have always prided myself on being the best at something, but the joke is on me. I can't commit to something let alone someone. One of my biggest fears in life has been the thought of being trapped in a suburban hell with a cookie cutter home, mediocre sex life and a couple of kids who could potentially grow up and face the same destiny and not having a place in the world or not being a part of something that ultimately gives me peace. In writing those are my greatest fears.

Then there are times when I forget those fears. For instance sharing glass of wine with a friend who talks about being able in a way to relate to the writings. Someone who without saying, just gets it. The need to be apart of something more. And no it wasn't the wine that lets my mind at ease, if anything the alcohol heightens my awareness of where I am in life making me anxious and uncomfortable. It is the comfort of knowing that other people understand and want to find similar things in life, such as a passions and purpose. I know a man and he loves clowns. When he expressed an interest in actually dressing up like a clown and entertaining children's birthday parties, my face (by his response) said it all. He then replies with "well it was only going to be my hobby". After making the child molester joke that was basically set up for me, I actually found respect for him. For his strange interest in clowns, he finds peace in the silly circus music and a mask of confidence behind his face paint. Then I smile at the idea of a clown making me forget my worries. In the end maybe we do all have a purpose.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Every Morning.

The idea of working out and maintaining a healthy life style is more of a joke to me at this point. There is almost virtually no way of making a completely sincere life change. I recently lost a bit of weight. And by a bit I mean a small toddler, was I ever obese... no.... was I the thicker girl with the personality to make her attractive enough to still hit on...yes. Now with that being said I have began to maintain this new life style between a series of a very well balanced diet and exercise five days a week. But the part that truly humors I do it all out of spite. There is not a single part of me ever, that wakes up in the morning craving a egg white spinach omelet. Will I eat it? Yes. Enjoy it? Well its food. At this point I find the way people looking at me demonstrating self control more satisfying. The way your friends and family blink once or even two times to make sure they are seeing you correctly. And men... oh men. That is something a cheeseburger can never satisfy. I know when I grow older I will be grateful for maintaining a healthy lifestyle, my body will thank me in ways that will become far less shallow, but for now its about clothes and sex. I want to be put up against a wall in a size 4 dress. And with that being said I'm going to finish my omelet and black coffee and cry my way through a 3 mile run.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My kinds your kind.

I am of a dying breed. I am twenty years old and hate cell phones. I am computer literate enough to write and press the button that release my recent thoughts out unto the universe. iPads, laptops, televisions inside vehicles. I do not understand any of this. If you go out to lunch with a friend I dare you to count how many times the look, touch, text on their cell phone. This honestly doesn't bother almost anyone. It bothers me, visiting with people used to be enough, thoughtful conversation and a good meal used to be enough for people. Now while we talk to each other we have to browse through a new app or be having a entirely different conversation with someone else with another mode of technology. I wish it would go away. I love the idea of solitude and entertaining myself with actually actives. It might be my my love for reading and writing, but it seems that almost all of my peers have forgotten about the pleasure of actually knowing and spending time interacting with people.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Lights Sometimes Go On

It's not having the sex that make you a whore. It's who you sleep with.

I Know What You're Saying

This day in age things are truly strange. You can actually have emotional reactions to things that are posted on the Internet. The same reaction that say you would have if someone wrote you a passionate love letter using say their own blood for ink. A bit melodramatic yes but right! Social networking sites literally run our lives. We check up, catch up, and keep up with those closest and farthest away from us. The new drop by is the like bottom on one of our mindless status updates. But is it that simple, I think not. Though it seems crude and distant it is not, its letting you know "hey, hey you...I'm here don't forget I exist and played a semi-important role in your life." Example if I may...A nice boy you went on a date with the night before, posts a sweet comment referencing your fantastic night before implying that it should happen again. Your ex-boyfriend "likes" this comment. Now call me a realist but I highly doubt that the ex is doing this because he is sincerely happy for you and your potential new fling. No, he is saying hey glad to see your moving on nicely...don't forget about me...hoping your feeling on and so forth. At least in the 90's you had to page someone to call you so he could call you a whore blatantly on the pay-phone outside the mini-mart you two went together.

I don't know if I am a true masochist but I do know that I prefer that passion of honest words made from ones mouth. I want to literally feel your venom. If you hate me, call me, use your voice. Tell me. If you love me, stand outside my house with a shitty boom-box that only plays cassette tapes. Hit me, kick me, kiss me. Do somethings. But the next time I post something about having the most amazing night of my life. If you want me to know that you still exist and know what I up me a favor and set my car on fire. I can respect that.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sunday Afternoon.

I have been in the process of a 3 week total body cleanse. I have seen absolutely amazing results. I feel awesome, look better, wake up earlier with more energy. I have had to make serious sacrifices, such as all food except lean proteins, vegetables and fruit. Absolutely no sugars or alcohol.

My roommate looks at me the other day and tells me I have inspired him to go buy health food at the grocery store. And also compliments me on the lack of hangover on a Sunday. It does feel nice admittedly. However, call me shallow but I would probably give all of this up, this new life style for one of "those" Sunday afternoons.

You know the one. The one where you and your partner have a epic Saturday night, you spent so much time dancing that really sex isn't necessary when you get home, which is anywhere between 3:30-5:30 a.m. and you throw yourselves into bed partially dressed. Then you wake up around noon you don't even role over, but everybody remembers what was skipped last night. We don't even talk, we make love and it's lazy and warm and great. We don't kiss, we don't even look at each other. Then you might go back to sleep...or get something to eat...or both. If we are feeling crazy we watch a few episodes of Weeds. Eat lunch. Go back to sleep. Wake up, and its your second wind, a little more energy this time. We go at it for an hour. Finish. I'm hungry again. We great crazy and go out, nothing fancy. Jack In the Box will suffice for our day of afternoon delight we have earned it. Then we pick up a Red Box. Go home eat, watch movie, make out. Then your ready for bed around 8:30 and it is humanly impossible to be more satisfied.

So yeah...I guess its nice not having a hangover on Sunday.