Porn; The Cop Out.

I have always been ok with porn. Never for it, nor against it. I have watched close friends battle with its afflicting powers and helpless girlfriends putting themselves through miserable comparisons, letting insecurities bleed out from them as they wonder what it is that makes them not enough for their men. I know it takes two types of women to deal with a partner that watches porn openly or secretly. One is the type that simply does not care, who is glad that his sexual interests have been placed else where so she does not have to "deal with it".The other she is one with iron clad confidence, and she looks down on you, feels bad almost. She wonders why you need that when you have the real thing, why do you want to watch other people?
This brings me to the cop out theory. It's not gay when guys what another man with what looks like a mutated third leg, bull doze through some broken wing of an eighteen year old girl, who was just going to do this once, to get by until she was discovered. It's normal and hott, because that's what they want to do...right? Wrong! Guys don't watch porn because they are awesome, they watch porn because they are lazy. Ordinary people are lazy. People who have no sexual creativity are ordinary. Hence my theory...

Porn is for ordinary people.

Tumblr Famous.?

I don't understand picture blogs like Tumblr. I think the purpose is to expose pictures that somehow relate to you and for people to pick up on the general message of what you are about. How is this true individual self expression, or unique for that matter. I like looking at cool pictures as much as the next person, but come on photo blog? You didn't even take the pictures you are posting. When people tell me to check out there Tumblr, I find it really strange. Beside the selfies that you have edited, I have no idea what message you are trying to send across. I don't know you. I'm a writer. I use my words. What are you?

Sometimes Vol. 2

Sometimes you have to be yourself. Even when you hate yourself. Even when you defeat yourself. Even when you are in the trenches of your worst sides. Why?

Because it shows fucking character that's why.

Do you.

Cliché

Nothing bothers me like a cliche...Brief examples: extremely good looking persons being good at everything, or guys with thick black Ray Ban glasses constantly trying to make everything from reading a book  and drinking coffee, to taking a shit look artistic.

It's like having sex for the first time on prom night...it's stupid.

I am sad to say that movies, books and other sources of social media are all seemingly falling to this silent giant. The pink elephant in the room, the ending everyone knew was coming. It's like watching the Titanic and hoping to be surprised. I am dying to read or watch something new. Something that has nothing to do with Marvel Comics (with of course the exception of Thor). And let's face there is only so many Woody Allen movies you can watch before your like "oh! and everyone ends up alone and disappointed, but reflecting on the greater message that was trying to be conveyed", there is no greater message Woody Allen is as fucked as they come.

I'll admit it. Sometimes I'm even a bit trite. I love a good cry in the tub and having sex in the rain during a lighting storm. But still I can not except that this is were all it all ends. On remakes and sequels and columns used with shitty spin offs. Come fellow artists let's give something to lay new ground work with. I am a patriot of the creative outlet. I'll also admit, I need to be inspired. So let's help each other out, and see where we can get.

Sometimes I Get A Good Feelin'.

...And then again sometimes I don't.

For the first time today I looked up the word Masochist.

mas·och·ist

[mas-uh-kist]

1.

Psychiatry . a person who has masochism,  the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation.

2.

a person who is gratified by pain, degradation, etc., that is self-imposed or imposed by others.

3.

a person who finds pleasure in self-denial, submissiveness, etc.

This is very alarming to me because truth be told, I relate with all three related definition of this word. On a very, very small positive note, to my relief I have indeed been using this word correctly and in the right context. Point Alisha!

I realized this though tonight, as I sit at home alone I ran though all the things I could possibly do for fun alone. First thing that came to mind, smoking. Just one on the porch to enjoy the last evenings of the summer. Then came the idea to drink and smoke. Then drink, smoke and write. Oh! The wild animal I have become. All of those aspersions were quickly squashed when I realized that I would not be stopping to buy cigarettes and I had no shesha at home to fill my hookah. And my half bottle of three day old chardonnay wasn't going to do the trick alone. So I settled for the half pint of Haagen Dazs Swiss Vanilla Almond Ice Cream and the company of my dog.  After I finished my ice cream and the self loathing set in, I decided to visit the Internet to get caught up on things I give no shits about. I find women that are better shape then me and the look around at things I can't afford. If I am feeling like having a real wild night I might poke around my boyfriends ex-girlfriends Facebook to try and get my fix. Fix of what?!?!?!?! Who the fuck does that?!?!?! (everyone I am suspecting)

I will be forced to direct you to the word and definition following at the top of the page. That is what I am. A masochist. Things aren't good, unless they are bad. That is how that definition should read. 

With all that said I realized what a little baby bitch I sound like. And I don't like to sound like one of those. I will get a good feeling again, and hold on to that son of a bitch as if it had every last ounce of my will to live. I will party more, bitch less, be even more awesome, have more sex, not gain weight, show more cleavage, travel, be a good girlfriend, finish my laundry and be someone you would like to meet.
                                                     I hope you are as excited as I am.

 

Birthday Card to myself....

Happy Birthday Alisha,

Today you are 22 years old. You'll never be as young as you are today.
I know that you are feeling surreal. It's 2012, your peers are graduating from college now,
you are starting to get antsy. Never in a million years did you think that you would still be
in Reno, NV having ended up dropping out of college not once, but twice. Sucking up you pride
and going to beauty school how realistically you always wanted to, but told yourself you were to good for.

Now you are here, at 22. Where is here? I'll tell you...

Here is starting to realize why your parents may have done some of the things they did, and moving past that. Being able to look at them in the eye's with gratitude now knowing they did the best they could.

Here is having a incredible friendship that has lasted through the times, alcohol, abuse, hurt, happiness, good, bad, ski boots and pissed pants. An unconditional, unjudged, untainted connection.

Here is having the first relationship that might be the last. And for the record. Expectation is different from hope.

You have done some cool shit. You have done some stupid shit. You have done some mean shit. You have done some ballsy shit and some skanky shit. You have done some smart shit and some noble shit.

All in all you are in your twenties. This is were you have always wanted to be. Enjoy it. It only lasts until it's gone. If I can offer you any advice, slow down. Be smart, save some God damn money for a rainy day. You don't act like you should always, but give yourself some credit your doing the best you can. And it's not that bad.

Stop judging people, especially for you own personal amusement. You can be such an asshole sometimes.

Write more, you might be good at.

Workout more, it makes you look nice.

Have a great Birthday, see you in a year.

Always,

Alisha

Crossing My Fingers.

         I have done this most of my life. Closed my eyes tight, pinched my fingers tightly behind my back and hoped for the best. This has applied  to all areas of my life... exams, bills, jobs, consequences, boyfriends ect. It pains me though. Nine times out of ten I am let down, practicing the definition of insanity. I do the same thing over and over again. I hate it. The worst part is I genuinely expect a different result. Then another thing happens, say the odds land in my favor? Then I am immediately suspicious as to this outcome, and then find myself waiting constantly for the other shoe to drop.
         I'll be honest with the good people of the internet world. I am not a naturally happy women. I have to work at it. I work at it very hard. Some days not so much as others. Sometimes the venom can flow freely without so much as a second thought, seeping bitterness into every word I dare write. Then on the good days I think of a hopeful day, when I am not convinced almost every act from people is not a personal attack.
     I want to believe that good things just happen, because they do. I want to believe the man I am with will be good to me forever, and that all feelings don't eventually run out.
I want to believe that my parents will stay together forever and that my younger sisters will grow up and make better choices then I did. I want to believe that my best friend, will always be my best friend and that partying all night will always be fun. I want to believe that the President is doing the best he can, and that when I graduate there will be a job waiting for me. I want to believe when I get married it will be because we love each other and not because "it's about that time". I want to believe that someday I will believe all of these things....but until then I am just crossing my fingers.