I Miss You, Today.

It's been easy. Almost fun letting go of us. But not today. Today I miss you. Everything. Good and bad. The days have been good, busy, productive days. I have been working and going to school. I have seen friends that I haven't seen in years and doors have been opening up for me that I could have never imagined. But today I miss you and none of that matters. I have shown no weakness, no mourning to what was us. I have kept our secret. I have pushed forward, but I will look back some times to make the anguish last. Pain is all I have to remember you by. That makes me sad all day. I can still smell you sometimes if I close my eyes. I still remember the way your laugh sounds and the way your body felt next to mine. I miss you. And no one will ever know. Truthfully I haven't even cried. Not once. I try to think back if at some point if you were honest, if ever there was anything between us. But whats the point. Its helps that it was a secret, it really does. I might never have stopped loving you if the world knew. This way is best, just the way I like it. Alone. I have not felt this comfortable since the day before I met you. But today I miss you. I miss every ounce of your lying, deceitful body. You never know what a relationship meant to you until it has ended. However I am still waiting to see how I feel, permanently. I cant remember if we argued on where to eat, but it was always an interesting time. None the less, I miss you lover, today.

Good Place, Bad Place

Fuck you.

The Beginning

The beginning. Strange idea that is all has a beginning. Even the end has a beginning.
Remember when you were with the person your with right now and it was the beginning of the two of you. Every conversation was interesting and sex was like it was lite on fire. Then there came the beginning of the end. The phone calls stopped as frequently, the time together became less valued. Physical attraction takes a dive. The beginning. I miss the beginning of everything.
Now I am on a new beginning and I feel that maybe the world is too. I feel it changing all around me. I am trying to embrace it. I find this difficult. I am an angry person and this allows me to complete tasks that the other average content person could not. I wonder if this is a advantage or an actual weakness. I have a friend who is a pastor who tells me it is ok to be weak, it will take me about 10 years to see this as fact. The thought makes my stomach churn. It makes me want to get sick. The thought of being vulnerable literally makes me physically ill and my brain refuses its messages. Is the holy man right? I cant be sure. But as these sutures hold together my wounds and slowly develop into scars. I wonder what lessons I will take with me to my new beginning.

Take your life, and make less mistakes

Today I did one the of the hardest things to do that is humanly possible. I did the right thing. For the first time today since I can remember the beginning of my recently ended relationshit, I did the right thing for myself. I felt ecstasy, not the shitty club drug, not being drunk with a bunch of girls telling me I would get over him so soon, not sky diving. But driving home from a play. A small local play that was not very good, sitting in the company of a good friend, eating an awful awful burger and coming home to my baby bulldog, whom I proceeded to smother with kisses.
Like I said, I felt ecstasy. The feeling was so aberrant to me that at first I was not sure if I was comfortable in this state. I have found a reliable friend in suffering and grown very accustomed to its company. That the idea of contentment was almost unwelcome.
I believe that victory favors those who pay in pain. But now, more then ever before I KNOW it dose not have to stop there. There is experience gained in time wasted and the love that was put forth in vain can be restored. If not by the experience itself then by something as simple as the love from your dog. Today I became versed in the idea behind doing the right thing. "Don't be a short term thinker" my mother says to me daily. To me this illustrates the point of doing right by yourself and others. Funny perspective about doing the right thing is that it always feels like the most deprecating choice you could have made at the time, however with in minutes, days and sometimes even years it becomes the most sure thing sculpting you into the person you pride yourself on being. I realized in my particular situation I had the means to mold myself in to the person I want to live with for the rest of my life.
After I made to decision to do right and began to feel this overwhelming scene of elation. The first person to come to my mind is my father. I think back to being a kid, and remembering him watching me run track and do gymnastics. I would look up from the gym floor and see him in the booth above us. His eyes would watch me as I would go to accomplish routine or some other sort of conditioning deed. When I completed my goal successfully and could see the look on his face of pride and approval, I felt the feeling I felt today. I stopped doing gymnastics when I was twelve. Its been awhile since I have felt like I have done the right thing. Pain is so real sometimes that it feels good for that temporary fix. It makes the weak person inside feel strong again. I have been taught today that I have no more tolerance for the weaker version of myself. I am an athlete. Whatever it takes.