It is a intense feeling wanting to hurt someone else. It is the human part of ourselves. It lets you know that at the end of the day we are all they same, we all eat, drink, breathe and yearn to get our points across one way or the other. When I say hurt I literally mean phyiscally hurt you. If I don't like you, I want to hit you in the face. I want to see you in pain. Then I will feel like you understand me.
So I am going into boxing. I want to hurt people. Or get knocked down to size myself. Lets see how well this goes.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Stolen Lines. Part Two.
Its funny to me the subtle things that change your outlook on everything. One days pain is another days revelation. You go from wanting things to work out, to understanding why you never had a chance to begin with. You know what you want to say.
Fuck you. It's OK. I understand.
Things really do happen for a reason. They really do.
Fuck you. It's OK. I understand.
Things really do happen for a reason. They really do.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Stolen Lines.
There is the part where you are strong, the part where you are weak and then the part when you can't feel anything at all. You have a ended something important to you in your life and you are feeling the effects weigh down on you like soaking wet clothing. Nothing you can do to feel a little more comfortable you simply have to wait for the clothes to dry in the sun.
The urge you fight to fix is the most painful stomach knot in emotional existence. You know what you want to do.
Come back. Change your mind. Love me. Please.
Sadly enough, these words are to often spoken to a deaf back side of the person who is walking away. Was it out of fear? Was it out of kindness of my livelihood not to waste my time?
We will never truly know. And that is the part that hurts so bad.
The urge you fight to fix is the most painful stomach knot in emotional existence. You know what you want to do.
Come back. Change your mind. Love me. Please.
Sadly enough, these words are to often spoken to a deaf back side of the person who is walking away. Was it out of fear? Was it out of kindness of my livelihood not to waste my time?
We will never truly know. And that is the part that hurts so bad.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Clicking Hard
Its starts as a spark. A unknown interest in someone for little or no reason at all. All you know is that you need more of them for whatever reason. You need to see them, hear them, feel them. You don't know them from Eve, but you DO know you want to. Animal instinct comes over you and you do everything in your power to do whatever it takes to make them a part of your small life. Its that connection, that euphoric feeling that has you waking up in the morning wondering what their day is like, and what kind of music they listen to.
What is this feeling?
Where does it come from?
It's passed physical attraction. Its passed the simple idea of common interests. Its a feeling that cannot not be duplicated or compared to anything else. Sometimes its there immediately other times it starts to grow. The pain of this feeling not being reciprocated is almost unbareble so we choose to not even think about that as a possibility up until the point of the trail itself.
It's wonderful. Is it all made up? Is this science? The chemicals in your body connecting with theirs therefore revealing a passage into there soul? Maybe, maybe not.
As people a little passed the point of adolescence we find that we don't want to be alone. We want love. we want to share our experiences with someone that we get along with, we "click" with. Usually we go about this looking for common goals and interests. Such as music and religious points of view. We seek out those we find attractive and have good "breeding" stock for the crude way of putting it. I can wrap my head around this idea, I really can. However what about that feeling. That feeling of no matter what this person looks like, believes in or strange circumstance they might be in, you have to have them. You want to know them, be apart of them. It might be naive, but this is what life with someone should be like. Those are the ones you should fight to love. The common interest of just wanting them and what they bring to the world. The more I live the more I think that we come into this world, broken. We want to be fixed. You want to fix someone else. Not out of pity, but love. We hold love on a pedestal. Making people jump through hoops to obtain it. But what if we gave it free without fear that we get it back. What is the worst thing that can happen? You have given someone love regardless. The selfish part of ourselves say that its unfair, but really it is just selfless. And that is the part we cant deal with. Giving without receiving.
What is this feeling?
Where does it come from?
It's passed physical attraction. Its passed the simple idea of common interests. Its a feeling that cannot not be duplicated or compared to anything else. Sometimes its there immediately other times it starts to grow. The pain of this feeling not being reciprocated is almost unbareble so we choose to not even think about that as a possibility up until the point of the trail itself.
It's wonderful. Is it all made up? Is this science? The chemicals in your body connecting with theirs therefore revealing a passage into there soul? Maybe, maybe not.
As people a little passed the point of adolescence we find that we don't want to be alone. We want love. we want to share our experiences with someone that we get along with, we "click" with. Usually we go about this looking for common goals and interests. Such as music and religious points of view. We seek out those we find attractive and have good "breeding" stock for the crude way of putting it. I can wrap my head around this idea, I really can. However what about that feeling. That feeling of no matter what this person looks like, believes in or strange circumstance they might be in, you have to have them. You want to know them, be apart of them. It might be naive, but this is what life with someone should be like. Those are the ones you should fight to love. The common interest of just wanting them and what they bring to the world. The more I live the more I think that we come into this world, broken. We want to be fixed. You want to fix someone else. Not out of pity, but love. We hold love on a pedestal. Making people jump through hoops to obtain it. But what if we gave it free without fear that we get it back. What is the worst thing that can happen? You have given someone love regardless. The selfish part of ourselves say that its unfair, but really it is just selfless. And that is the part we cant deal with. Giving without receiving.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
"I'm going to need you more then you need me"
The truest words that I have heard in a long time. Who would have thought they would have come out of character Maggie M. in the new movie Love and Other Drugs. It always saddens me when I feel like a screenplay took the easy way out. Note this is not a spoiler alert, but Maggie is sick and struggles with the idea of falling in love, knowing that here sickness is terminal. "I'm going to need you..." is in this case taken quite literally. She will need to be taken care of, however, don't we all?
As those words came out of her cynical, horse mouth it moved me. It did not matter what her character meant by those words, but how they apply to almost every "broken toy" I have ever met. I felt in my core, everything I have been trying to figure out seemed to all come together with this relatively minuet statement. The way I am, how I react to things, the way a small movie quote can quite literally turn my life upside down is exactly summed up to this statement or something very close to this. I need more. I have been viewing this as others short-comings instead of my own. I'm okay with needing people more, I just don't want to have to ask.
As those words came out of her cynical, horse mouth it moved me. It did not matter what her character meant by those words, but how they apply to almost every "broken toy" I have ever met. I felt in my core, everything I have been trying to figure out seemed to all come together with this relatively minuet statement. The way I am, how I react to things, the way a small movie quote can quite literally turn my life upside down is exactly summed up to this statement or something very close to this. I need more. I have been viewing this as others short-comings instead of my own. I'm okay with needing people more, I just don't want to have to ask.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Should I Not Be Thankful For
Am I so selfish that in moments when I read another writers work that I can not appreciate it as much if I know them personally. If there is a kudos given out and I am not included in something that I find reasonably apart of, I deem the writing to be a waste. Yes, then I have answered my own question I am that selfish.
On the other hand I find this selfish and self adoring aspect part of myself I somewhat like. Majority would disagree agree with my arrogance and see it simply as being self absorbed. But the thing is this strange sense of a strong place amongst people has brought me to meet some amazing people. I have found myself in places that without my absurd confidence I could have never gained entrance. And every time I have not been acknowledged by those I wish to be, I have a unstoppable force to gain whatever it is I seek from them.
I am glad. Simply I fight for those I love and adore. I have a ridiculously huge ego. It has been hurt, set aside, ignored and cut from its knees once or twice before. But it lives and breaths to this day. Stronger every time it comes back. I have learned through people, circumstances and events that it can be easily taken down to size, but evermore it lives. I like it. It is that voice telling me do better, when I thought the best had been done. My ego prides itself on the people I chose to be around and will defend them when it believes they are the right way to go.
So thank you writers. Thank you parents. Thank you fellow artist. May are egos meet someday and recognize the beauty of our self assurance.
On the other hand I find this selfish and self adoring aspect part of myself I somewhat like. Majority would disagree agree with my arrogance and see it simply as being self absorbed. But the thing is this strange sense of a strong place amongst people has brought me to meet some amazing people. I have found myself in places that without my absurd confidence I could have never gained entrance. And every time I have not been acknowledged by those I wish to be, I have a unstoppable force to gain whatever it is I seek from them.
I am glad. Simply I fight for those I love and adore. I have a ridiculously huge ego. It has been hurt, set aside, ignored and cut from its knees once or twice before. But it lives and breaths to this day. Stronger every time it comes back. I have learned through people, circumstances and events that it can be easily taken down to size, but evermore it lives. I like it. It is that voice telling me do better, when I thought the best had been done. My ego prides itself on the people I chose to be around and will defend them when it believes they are the right way to go.
So thank you writers. Thank you parents. Thank you fellow artist. May are egos meet someday and recognize the beauty of our self assurance.
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