Just Remember.

Just remember, that you won't always feel this way. It's a strange place to be when you are fueled by anger or pain. Almost as if you don't want it to stop. The hurt gives you a reason to drive forward, we all long for a reason to fight. Every war is won or lost. Due to victory or surrender. The best defense is a decision. Any decision. To surcome or to fight to the death. Either way you compromise some part of yourself. So choose wisely, there is only one of you. The feeling to fight for something you love, doesn't last forever. 

It's not that I'm a jealous man...

Jealously and envy are meant for those who are weak minded. 

It's for those who feel the need to live in fear of loosing everything.

Even the things they don't posses. Those who are jealous and envious of other have no room in their heads 

for great achievement because it's already filled with the possibility of failure.

Just the idea of loosing something is to great a risk to even try. You sabatouge yourselves. 

in return you envy of anyone else's happiness, always. You're brave enough to at least try and break them down, if you can't have goodness neither should anyone else, right? 
Grow up. Try seeing things in a different light. Find the courage to do the right things not only for yourself, but for another benefit as well. Grow some security, find something about yourself love and you'll find someone to love it too. 

Jealousy is a feeling the wastes precious time. It's a feeling for the weak, and envy is a feeling for the lazy. Be done with these, find the stronger version of yourself and be that. 
 

Adult Time Out.

At what point is it not okay to hit someone? We grow up and throughout grade school we are all reprimanded constantly for hitting, kicking, pinching other kids. However mostly it is excepted behavior. Physical reaction as a child is really the only thing that lets other kids or people even know, that I either don't like what you are doing physically or emotionally to me.
So when you were a kid and someone told you, you were a butthead, you punched them in the face and they knew at that moment that you indeed did not like being called a butthead.
Now as large kids with bills and significant others, you can't just go around punching people in the face every time you get called an asshole.
My question is I guess...why the fuck not?

I suppose it could be due to all the big kid trouble you could get into or the fact that majority of us can't show up to work with a black eye. Sure, I get that. Maybe it is just my confrontational nature or my unaddressed anger problem...who knows. But I truly think if you were aloud to kick someone in the face, every time they were a huge bitch, people would truly reconsider about 95 percent of the words they say and about 98 percent of the dick moves they were about to make.

Just a thought.

The Christmas Party.

I set my coat on the hooks that hung in the small room.I hope I don't drink to much and forget my jacket. I do that all the time. I mean not at Christmas parties, just in general. I forget shit, a lot when I drink. And lord knows I don't want to come back.

The hellos are said and the side kisses given. I am introduced to the same people year after and yet it's the same strange handshake and confused squint of the eyes, headed tilted slightly to the side as if they were pretending to search for the name.

It's ok. I don't care about you either. Glad we shared this moment.

Then I saw him. Standing with a beer in his hand. Dark sweater, something his mother probably asked him to wear. So sexy. I have this thing I do when I'm bored. If there is anyone in near view I find remotely attractive at the first glance I imagine them naked immediately. Even women. It's just what I do. I'm bored a lot.

I see my mother, she scurries over grabbing by the arm and walking me around the house gossiping and being genuinely very intrigued by the evening. I was always so curious as to how she can always be entertained by these people. None the less she is. I keep him in view as often as I can for this little venture I look over and see my sister, she gives me a sympathetic look and then dodges the bullet by walking the opposite direction. Bitch. I'll live I supposed as soon as I can make it over to the little bar...so close, I can smell the whiskey. So close. I come to when I realize that we are nearing this attractive stranger in the dark sweater that is gorgeous naked. I think. My mother mentions that it is so and so son and that he is now working for his father doing something I am sure is interesting. She releases when she sees someone a little more likely to know what she has been gabbing on and on about for the past twenty minutes. I go to the bar. I am singing a little song in my head...it goes whiskey so good to me, get through tonight, and I'll have some more tomorrow night! It's a shitty song, but its nice in my head. I pour some sweet Crown in the glass packed with ice and a splash of water and wallah! It's the holidays!

I'm bored again. And just saw somebody naked that I really hoped I could erase. That's what happens 3 whiskey waters deep and sisters with kids. Lame.

"What are you drinking?" I look behind me. Yes! Dark sweater guy. Where have you been?

"Whiskey water," I said. Am I slurring? Who cares.
"Would you care for another?" He asks. I'm not sure if he is just being polite or if he is trying to get me drunk enough to go to the coat closet. Either way. I'm game.
"Why yes good sir, I would like another." I say in my worst English accent. That's another thing I do when I'm bored. Well bored and drunk.

He comes back with my drink. We chat. His name is Michael he going to Oregon State to be a doctor. He plays golf, but put himself through the first 4 semesters running track. He had a long term girlfriend, but they broke up because he hasn't purposed yet and she wanted more. Blah, blah, blah. He was
funny, sexy and single. Hmmm. Gay perhaps?

"Well a little about me I suppose...I graduated with a psychology degree I'm current working as a bartender, because I guess I missed the part where nobody gives a shit about philosophy or psychology, I can't bring myself to get my masters to do anything worth a damn so I am saving up to travel the world. I left my high school sweetheart, because I realized I hate him and imagine every word that comes out of his mouth feels like it contradicts my very existence. I come to this Christmas party every year to make my mother happy. And I find you very physically attractive."

"Oh and my name is Alice."

I try to read his face, but then realize I have one eye shut. Damn. Such a lush. To my surprise he starts laughing. Really hard.
"Are you for real? Do you really say things like that to strangers?" Michael asks me in between laughs.
"Well yeah. I guess I do." That's my reply, as I eyeball my empty glass.
"I like it. You don't find that much in the medical program." He says still laughing standing up and grabs my drink. He walks over to the bar and pours me another. Good man.
He comes back over and just looks at me. Yes! I know this look, I know it, I don't care how long it's been! I know this look!
Moments later the good little doctor/track star isn't so polite. We walk back to the coat area and its too congested. We find the only other unlocked door. The gym...hmm. I suppose there is a time for everything. For lack of detail I can only say we made use of every machine, bench, mat and despite my already dehydrated state, the sauna.

Shortly after we pull ourselves together and join the party. He also discloses that he is not working for his Dad and after the Christmas break will indeed be going back to Oregon. Wonderful. No chance of anything coming of this exciting little venture.
Disappointed, yes. Someone to Facebook stalk for the next six months to pass time, yes. I'll take it.

All in all, this was to be deemed the second best Christmas party I have ever been forced to come to.

Porn; The Cop Out.

I have always been ok with porn. Never for it, nor against it. I have watched close friends battle with its afflicting powers and helpless girlfriends putting themselves through miserable comparisons, letting insecurities bleed out from them as they wonder what it is that makes them not enough for their men. I know it takes two types of women to deal with a partner that watches porn openly or secretly. One is the type that simply does not care, who is glad that his sexual interests have been placed else where so she does not have to "deal with it".The other she is one with iron clad confidence, and she looks down on you, feels bad almost. She wonders why you need that when you have the real thing, why do you want to watch other people?
This brings me to the cop out theory. It's not gay when guys what another man with what looks like a mutated third leg, bull doze through some broken wing of an eighteen year old girl, who was just going to do this once, to get by until she was discovered. It's normal and hott, because that's what they want to do...right? Wrong! Guys don't watch porn because they are awesome, they watch porn because they are lazy. Ordinary people are lazy. People who have no sexual creativity are ordinary. Hence my theory...

Porn is for ordinary people.

Tumblr Famous.?

I don't understand picture blogs like Tumblr. I think the purpose is to expose pictures that somehow relate to you and for people to pick up on the general message of what you are about. How is this true individual self expression, or unique for that matter. I like looking at cool pictures as much as the next person, but come on photo blog? You didn't even take the pictures you are posting. When people tell me to check out there Tumblr, I find it really strange. Beside the selfies that you have edited, I have no idea what message you are trying to send across. I don't know you. I'm a writer. I use my words. What are you?

Sometimes Vol. 2

Sometimes you have to be yourself. Even when you hate yourself. Even when you defeat yourself. Even when you are in the trenches of your worst sides. Why?

Because it shows fucking character that's why.

Do you.