Time Liar.

      We have all lied in our lives. For good or bad reasons. I get it. I used to lie all the time. Even for fun. I can't tell you how many times I have been Irish or Scottish or a transfer student from the U.K. all just because I felt like it. I have also been a huge time liar. I have told people I am in the car on the freeway, when I still have curlers in and a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. 10 verbal minutes would equate out to 30 real minutes. I have denied sleeping with people, pretty sure I was a virgin at least twice. However it took me a while to catch on to why people shouldn't lie. And it's actually quite simple...you always get caught. Always.
     The part that I always had trouble catching on to is why it was such a big deal to be caught. I didn't figure this out until years after I got caught in a huge lie that I had going for years. I had long since forgot about it, but the people I had lied to had indeed not. It was then when I was confronted and made to explain the truth that I fully grasped what the big deal was. I had wasted these individuals time and effort, based on the stories that I had given them. When you tell someone something and it could be anything from " I'll be there in 10 minutes, " to "of course I never slept with that person.", people act accordingly to the information they have been given. So if you say 10 minute they take it as 10 minutes.
  A friend a long time ago said, "Alisha, we make decisions based on the information we are given at the time." As I think back on that, I apply it to this topic at hand. This statement is exactly why one should not lie. Because not only are you doing yourself a disservice, you are also impacting those around who are going to be moving forward and making choices based on the lie that you told them. And that is how you are found out, when people make actions out of false words, the outcome is never a good one. And when things breakdown, people go to the source. And no matter how long it takes, people will find the truth. Time wasted, and bitter the outcome is never worth the brief relief a lie can bring you.
   Full circle with this point is after my encounter with being confronted by two people I had hurt by lying and the handful of hott guys I could never call back because they had given the cute "British girl" their number, I decided I would no longer be liar. I have nothing to hide, and nothing to apologize for. And if I have nothing else, at least I have my word.

The Safety Net.

We have all one. The one you hangout with after yet another failed attempt to make a fresh start. The one that no matter what will answer your desperate call at 3 o'clock in the morning. The one who is single handedly capable of making you question whether or not you are happy with your current partner. They help you move. The one you know after they leave your house after a bad fight, it will not be the last time you see them. The sex is always good for the first week and then you are reminded of why you hate them. The one your current girl/boyfriend asks you to please stop talking to and you say you do and then don't. What the fuck is this?

Nothing in life has confused me more then this elusive figure that dwells in almost every relationship. The one that is always trying to keep the door cracked for the possibility of something more when both of you know its not there. I'll be honest. I'm not even that jaded. I have been a lucky woman in my past relationships. Even my worst ex, still gave me something to be grateful for. I have in my life been accused of dropping the match a time or two. But it is necessary. If I have a relationship with someone I care about why would I want to inject my past one into that. I have enough friends. Is my ex's opinion really something I care about that much? Not to me. I have run into people with this problem of the "Ex". Why? Why does this exist. Maybe out of true love? Hmm. Maybe. Who knows. But my policy will always be this. If he or she has some sort of box or shrine to the ex-partner. Run. Don't even give it an explanation, just kindly grab your things and leave.

And if you are the one with the safety net (if you will), why are you wasting this other persons time?
That is the most confusing part to me, I suppose. If you can't let the person you have always been hung up with go, why try to drag someone else down with you. Because chances are you current partner doesn't see how great this other person is. So be kind and let it go. And if not keep your sad masochist behaviors to yourself. 

  It's taken me the majority of my life to realize the view from the moral high ground is the most beautiful and fulfilling one that you can have experienced in your life. With that being said, the hike to this destination is not an easy one. Nothing comes without a price. Making choices that coincide with you having to make sacrifices to make others that are or were important to you feel valued and honored is so gratifying, that it wont make you regret not sleeping with your ex-partners best friend, just to feel better about the break up. Being able to look back and say, I did the best I could to make you feel like everything we shared was special to me, is a great feeling.

And all of my best relationships have come from new settings. I don't know if I have ever met one person who has said to me, " Jeez this 4th time around has really been just a whirlwind of amazing new experiences and qualities. I'm just learning so much about myself and nothing is predictable in the slightest".

As I look forward to new horizons in my coming life, I hope I continue to go without a safety net. I hope I continue giving my future partners the chance they deserve without running interference with someone from my past. I think other people would do kindly to do the same. But that's just me.

Just Remember.

Just remember, that you won't always feel this way. It's a strange place to be when you are fueled by anger or pain. Almost as if you don't want it to stop. The hurt gives you a reason to drive forward, we all long for a reason to fight. Every war is won or lost. Due to victory or surrender. The best defense is a decision. Any decision. To surcome or to fight to the death. Either way you compromise some part of yourself. So choose wisely, there is only one of you. The feeling to fight for something you love, doesn't last forever. 

It's not that I'm a jealous man...

Jealously and envy are meant for those who are weak minded. 

It's for those who feel the need to live in fear of loosing everything.

Even the things they don't posses. Those who are jealous and envious of other have no room in their heads 

for great achievement because it's already filled with the possibility of failure.

Just the idea of loosing something is to great a risk to even try. You sabatouge yourselves. 

in return you envy of anyone else's happiness, always. You're brave enough to at least try and break them down, if you can't have goodness neither should anyone else, right? 
Grow up. Try seeing things in a different light. Find the courage to do the right things not only for yourself, but for another benefit as well. Grow some security, find something about yourself love and you'll find someone to love it too. 

Jealousy is a feeling the wastes precious time. It's a feeling for the weak, and envy is a feeling for the lazy. Be done with these, find the stronger version of yourself and be that. 
 

Adult Time Out.

At what point is it not okay to hit someone? We grow up and throughout grade school we are all reprimanded constantly for hitting, kicking, pinching other kids. However mostly it is excepted behavior. Physical reaction as a child is really the only thing that lets other kids or people even know, that I either don't like what you are doing physically or emotionally to me.
So when you were a kid and someone told you, you were a butthead, you punched them in the face and they knew at that moment that you indeed did not like being called a butthead.
Now as large kids with bills and significant others, you can't just go around punching people in the face every time you get called an asshole.
My question is I guess...why the fuck not?

I suppose it could be due to all the big kid trouble you could get into or the fact that majority of us can't show up to work with a black eye. Sure, I get that. Maybe it is just my confrontational nature or my unaddressed anger problem...who knows. But I truly think if you were aloud to kick someone in the face, every time they were a huge bitch, people would truly reconsider about 95 percent of the words they say and about 98 percent of the dick moves they were about to make.

Just a thought.

The Christmas Party.

I set my coat on the hooks that hung in the small room.I hope I don't drink to much and forget my jacket. I do that all the time. I mean not at Christmas parties, just in general. I forget shit, a lot when I drink. And lord knows I don't want to come back.

The hellos are said and the side kisses given. I am introduced to the same people year after and yet it's the same strange handshake and confused squint of the eyes, headed tilted slightly to the side as if they were pretending to search for the name.

It's ok. I don't care about you either. Glad we shared this moment.

Then I saw him. Standing with a beer in his hand. Dark sweater, something his mother probably asked him to wear. So sexy. I have this thing I do when I'm bored. If there is anyone in near view I find remotely attractive at the first glance I imagine them naked immediately. Even women. It's just what I do. I'm bored a lot.

I see my mother, she scurries over grabbing by the arm and walking me around the house gossiping and being genuinely very intrigued by the evening. I was always so curious as to how she can always be entertained by these people. None the less she is. I keep him in view as often as I can for this little venture I look over and see my sister, she gives me a sympathetic look and then dodges the bullet by walking the opposite direction. Bitch. I'll live I supposed as soon as I can make it over to the little bar...so close, I can smell the whiskey. So close. I come to when I realize that we are nearing this attractive stranger in the dark sweater that is gorgeous naked. I think. My mother mentions that it is so and so son and that he is now working for his father doing something I am sure is interesting. She releases when she sees someone a little more likely to know what she has been gabbing on and on about for the past twenty minutes. I go to the bar. I am singing a little song in my head...it goes whiskey so good to me, get through tonight, and I'll have some more tomorrow night! It's a shitty song, but its nice in my head. I pour some sweet Crown in the glass packed with ice and a splash of water and wallah! It's the holidays!

I'm bored again. And just saw somebody naked that I really hoped I could erase. That's what happens 3 whiskey waters deep and sisters with kids. Lame.

"What are you drinking?" I look behind me. Yes! Dark sweater guy. Where have you been?

"Whiskey water," I said. Am I slurring? Who cares.
"Would you care for another?" He asks. I'm not sure if he is just being polite or if he is trying to get me drunk enough to go to the coat closet. Either way. I'm game.
"Why yes good sir, I would like another." I say in my worst English accent. That's another thing I do when I'm bored. Well bored and drunk.

He comes back with my drink. We chat. His name is Michael he going to Oregon State to be a doctor. He plays golf, but put himself through the first 4 semesters running track. He had a long term girlfriend, but they broke up because he hasn't purposed yet and she wanted more. Blah, blah, blah. He was
funny, sexy and single. Hmmm. Gay perhaps?

"Well a little about me I suppose...I graduated with a psychology degree I'm current working as a bartender, because I guess I missed the part where nobody gives a shit about philosophy or psychology, I can't bring myself to get my masters to do anything worth a damn so I am saving up to travel the world. I left my high school sweetheart, because I realized I hate him and imagine every word that comes out of his mouth feels like it contradicts my very existence. I come to this Christmas party every year to make my mother happy. And I find you very physically attractive."

"Oh and my name is Alice."

I try to read his face, but then realize I have one eye shut. Damn. Such a lush. To my surprise he starts laughing. Really hard.
"Are you for real? Do you really say things like that to strangers?" Michael asks me in between laughs.
"Well yeah. I guess I do." That's my reply, as I eyeball my empty glass.
"I like it. You don't find that much in the medical program." He says still laughing standing up and grabs my drink. He walks over to the bar and pours me another. Good man.
He comes back over and just looks at me. Yes! I know this look, I know it, I don't care how long it's been! I know this look!
Moments later the good little doctor/track star isn't so polite. We walk back to the coat area and its too congested. We find the only other unlocked door. The gym...hmm. I suppose there is a time for everything. For lack of detail I can only say we made use of every machine, bench, mat and despite my already dehydrated state, the sauna.

Shortly after we pull ourselves together and join the party. He also discloses that he is not working for his Dad and after the Christmas break will indeed be going back to Oregon. Wonderful. No chance of anything coming of this exciting little venture.
Disappointed, yes. Someone to Facebook stalk for the next six months to pass time, yes. I'll take it.

All in all, this was to be deemed the second best Christmas party I have ever been forced to come to.

Porn; The Cop Out.

I have always been ok with porn. Never for it, nor against it. I have watched close friends battle with its afflicting powers and helpless girlfriends putting themselves through miserable comparisons, letting insecurities bleed out from them as they wonder what it is that makes them not enough for their men. I know it takes two types of women to deal with a partner that watches porn openly or secretly. One is the type that simply does not care, who is glad that his sexual interests have been placed else where so she does not have to "deal with it".The other she is one with iron clad confidence, and she looks down on you, feels bad almost. She wonders why you need that when you have the real thing, why do you want to watch other people?
This brings me to the cop out theory. It's not gay when guys what another man with what looks like a mutated third leg, bull doze through some broken wing of an eighteen year old girl, who was just going to do this once, to get by until she was discovered. It's normal and hott, because that's what they want to do...right? Wrong! Guys don't watch porn because they are awesome, they watch porn because they are lazy. Ordinary people are lazy. People who have no sexual creativity are ordinary. Hence my theory...

Porn is for ordinary people.