The "L" Word.

      First please don’t insult me by suggesting I am talking about telling someone you love them. We are adults. The l word I am talking about is leave. The reason I bring this word up is because when I tell someone I love them, that is what I am thinking about. I love you to me, means I can not stand the idea of you leaving my life. The older I get, the more patient I have become. I didn't understand what love felt like when I was younger. All I knew was this anxious and confused feeling all the time. Wondering where this person I cared so deeply for was, who they were talking to and for what purposes. People say that’s not love, but in a way it is. Its young love. Not knowing quite what it is you want from another person, but knowing one thing with all your little heart...no one else can have them.

    I have loved a handful of men in my life and each time, I have grown to know what defines love a little more each time. But the one thing I am certain of at this point, love is knowing life will never be the same without that person. And sometimes that is not always a bad thing. Love is so vast and so wide no one could truly ever describe to one person what it means to feel it by a series of bullet points or rules. The cliché saying “if you love them, let them go...” is true. You can love someone and still know at the same it’s not right, it’s not forever or it’s not mutual.

      However no matter the lessons I have come to learn over time, one always had remained the same. Love for me is staying. The love, I want anyway. Through the good and bad days. And there are bad days. Good days are implied. But the bad days get rough. But when you love someone, it doesn’t matter. You fight and conquer. Then there are times I believe you can exhaust love, and the will to fight can die. When you love someone, the reasons to stay out way the reasons to leave. That is why love is so damn terrifying, if I am going to use what I feel is the most relatable word. Because when you admit to loving someone and letting them in, you are lifting your gates and lowering your shield, and you’re vulnerable. Then we are accepting of the fact, that this person has the means to bring the castle down. But when you love someone you risk the chance to have them leave, to have them stay in your life, for however long that may be. People will come and go. For me a relationship is defined on whether or not that it matters to me if you choose to leave. I know I can be shrill and cutting the cord for me is easier than most. I have tried in growing up to not be so cold, and appreciate the people who can’t dump others like trash that was missed on Monday.

 We choose the ones worth suffering for I suppose. In a strange way, I find solace in that. 

Do You Think They'll Make It?

         Support is key. When people in this world feel supported, even if it's just by one person we can do great things. Whether it's your husband/wife, best friend, child, co-workers or even just someone yelling on the sidelines of some sporting event, support for our simple minds is enough to push us to finish some of our own personal toughest endeavors. I bring this up in the opposite way today. The new year is typically about what you can do better, but I say look outward at what is facing you. There is a time when you have to look around your arena and asks what am I cheering for? And by this I mean, what are you pouring your heart and soul into that is giving just as much back to you as you are putting in.
      I think about this in a very surreal state. It's hard to let things go, especially when you have put so much time and effort into trying to make it work. It's like the old college car that got you from point A to point B. You put up with it because it's what you believe your only option is at that time. Then you struggle through your first year at your new job with it, until one day you realize point A to point B isn't good enough anymore. Heated seats and a nice sound system are now necessities for your life, and as it turns out you now possess an income that can provide these things for you.
     As I look out onto the new year, I realize that I have been putting effort, time and mind power into some very questionable places. And I cant help but wonder have I been cheering in a empty stadium?
More or less what I am saying, is when you are in you element, who are the people really standing at your sidelines and who are those who are constantly missing the game?

How Do You Do It?

The trickiest part to any relationship is balance. Sometimes I truly believe that, people collectively are addicted to pain. I say this because men and women have been to trying to make relationships work since the dawn of time. Both of us being such complex creatures it seems odd to me that we have tried to make monogamous relationships work for all of these years. Its funny that we both process such different mindsets, yet we still seek each other out. We are seeking one mate, one person who "get's us'.
      This is were the balance comes in. Men get angry, nervous or scared and desire space and time to process, women on the other hand feel these same emotions and want to be reassured and paid special attention to. With that being said, (and it is general for the most part) how are we supposed to find the perfect balance when we want different things? This is were trust and patience come in. Nothing makes we want to beat my head against a wall like someone telling me to be patient. But in my best and worst experiences in a relationship, the key to balance is sacrifice.
    Sacrifice. Ugh the word even sounds harsh. But its how to make everyone happy. I have been in a handful of relationships and they have all ended due to this little word and the actions it brings about. Without sacrifice there can be no balance and with no balance can there come a happy coinciding life with a partner. If each person does not feel fulfilled, there is no chance.
    So when people ask me how I meet all these people or why dating is so fun, I will simply have to tell them, because its not all the time. If he wants to go fishing, go fishing. And if you hate it, fake it. Its called compromise. Finding balance ,is a lot harder then creating balance. If you are looking for a partner who just possess all of the amazing qualities you are looking for you will be disappointed. People are constantly changing. Which is why divorce rates are at 50% and the laser tattoo removal business is booming.
      To me it all ties together like this....patience for one another. Patience for me is a sacrifice, a sacrifice of not being immediately gratified. Making a sacrifice to make the one I am with feel fulfilled and understood creates the balance for a healthy relationship. Therefore leading to good sex and then everyone is happy. But really.

Time Liar.

      We have all lied in our lives. For good or bad reasons. I get it. I used to lie all the time. Even for fun. I can't tell you how many times I have been Irish or Scottish or a transfer student from the U.K. all just because I felt like it. I have also been a huge time liar. I have told people I am in the car on the freeway, when I still have curlers in and a toothbrush hanging out of my mouth. 10 verbal minutes would equate out to 30 real minutes. I have denied sleeping with people, pretty sure I was a virgin at least twice. However it took me a while to catch on to why people shouldn't lie. And it's actually quite simple...you always get caught. Always.
     The part that I always had trouble catching on to is why it was such a big deal to be caught. I didn't figure this out until years after I got caught in a huge lie that I had going for years. I had long since forgot about it, but the people I had lied to had indeed not. It was then when I was confronted and made to explain the truth that I fully grasped what the big deal was. I had wasted these individuals time and effort, based on the stories that I had given them. When you tell someone something and it could be anything from " I'll be there in 10 minutes, " to "of course I never slept with that person.", people act accordingly to the information they have been given. So if you say 10 minute they take it as 10 minutes.
  A friend a long time ago said, "Alisha, we make decisions based on the information we are given at the time." As I think back on that, I apply it to this topic at hand. This statement is exactly why one should not lie. Because not only are you doing yourself a disservice, you are also impacting those around who are going to be moving forward and making choices based on the lie that you told them. And that is how you are found out, when people make actions out of false words, the outcome is never a good one. And when things breakdown, people go to the source. And no matter how long it takes, people will find the truth. Time wasted, and bitter the outcome is never worth the brief relief a lie can bring you.
   Full circle with this point is after my encounter with being confronted by two people I had hurt by lying and the handful of hott guys I could never call back because they had given the cute "British girl" their number, I decided I would no longer be liar. I have nothing to hide, and nothing to apologize for. And if I have nothing else, at least I have my word.

The Safety Net.

We have all one. The one you hangout with after yet another failed attempt to make a fresh start. The one that no matter what will answer your desperate call at 3 o'clock in the morning. The one who is single handedly capable of making you question whether or not you are happy with your current partner. They help you move. The one you know after they leave your house after a bad fight, it will not be the last time you see them. The sex is always good for the first week and then you are reminded of why you hate them. The one your current girl/boyfriend asks you to please stop talking to and you say you do and then don't. What the fuck is this?

Nothing in life has confused me more then this elusive figure that dwells in almost every relationship. The one that is always trying to keep the door cracked for the possibility of something more when both of you know its not there. I'll be honest. I'm not even that jaded. I have been a lucky woman in my past relationships. Even my worst ex, still gave me something to be grateful for. I have in my life been accused of dropping the match a time or two. But it is necessary. If I have a relationship with someone I care about why would I want to inject my past one into that. I have enough friends. Is my ex's opinion really something I care about that much? Not to me. I have run into people with this problem of the "Ex". Why? Why does this exist. Maybe out of true love? Hmm. Maybe. Who knows. But my policy will always be this. If he or she has some sort of box or shrine to the ex-partner. Run. Don't even give it an explanation, just kindly grab your things and leave.

And if you are the one with the safety net (if you will), why are you wasting this other persons time?
That is the most confusing part to me, I suppose. If you can't let the person you have always been hung up with go, why try to drag someone else down with you. Because chances are you current partner doesn't see how great this other person is. So be kind and let it go. And if not keep your sad masochist behaviors to yourself. 

  It's taken me the majority of my life to realize the view from the moral high ground is the most beautiful and fulfilling one that you can have experienced in your life. With that being said, the hike to this destination is not an easy one. Nothing comes without a price. Making choices that coincide with you having to make sacrifices to make others that are or were important to you feel valued and honored is so gratifying, that it wont make you regret not sleeping with your ex-partners best friend, just to feel better about the break up. Being able to look back and say, I did the best I could to make you feel like everything we shared was special to me, is a great feeling.

And all of my best relationships have come from new settings. I don't know if I have ever met one person who has said to me, " Jeez this 4th time around has really been just a whirlwind of amazing new experiences and qualities. I'm just learning so much about myself and nothing is predictable in the slightest".

As I look forward to new horizons in my coming life, I hope I continue to go without a safety net. I hope I continue giving my future partners the chance they deserve without running interference with someone from my past. I think other people would do kindly to do the same. But that's just me.

Just Remember.

Just remember, that you won't always feel this way. It's a strange place to be when you are fueled by anger or pain. Almost as if you don't want it to stop. The hurt gives you a reason to drive forward, we all long for a reason to fight. Every war is won or lost. Due to victory or surrender. The best defense is a decision. Any decision. To surcome or to fight to the death. Either way you compromise some part of yourself. So choose wisely, there is only one of you. The feeling to fight for something you love, doesn't last forever. 

It's not that I'm a jealous man...

Jealously and envy are meant for those who are weak minded. 

It's for those who feel the need to live in fear of loosing everything.

Even the things they don't posses. Those who are jealous and envious of other have no room in their heads 

for great achievement because it's already filled with the possibility of failure.

Just the idea of loosing something is to great a risk to even try. You sabatouge yourselves. 

in return you envy of anyone else's happiness, always. You're brave enough to at least try and break them down, if you can't have goodness neither should anyone else, right? 
Grow up. Try seeing things in a different light. Find the courage to do the right things not only for yourself, but for another benefit as well. Grow some security, find something about yourself love and you'll find someone to love it too. 

Jealousy is a feeling the wastes precious time. It's a feeling for the weak, and envy is a feeling for the lazy. Be done with these, find the stronger version of yourself and be that.