Clearance. Everything Must Go. 2012

        It's that time of year again. The time when everyone starts over and makes false commitments in hopes of a better life with the new year to come. I personally always get a little sad. Because the beginning of something new almost always leads to the end of something else. This is the time of year for reflection, as humans the bad always seems to stick out more then the good. However it is very important that we truly evalute and determine all the things we wish to change the good and the bad. Seems as though a lot of us are trying to live more simply, expecting a little less and even giving when it is not convient. I commend you and feel free to continue being awesome.
       As for the rest of us, tie up lose ends. Apologize when you see the error of your ways. Stick to your beliefs and have some conviction. If a relationship is dead, let it rest in peace. If something needs to get done, do it yourself. Branch out, there are more people then your co-workers in the world. Make you boyfriend/girlfriend dinner when you know they've had a long day. Call your grandma. Let other people be happy. Stop talking to other girls boyfriends. Brush your teeth twice a day. And make 2012 your bitch.

Happy Fucking New Year.

This is A Not Participation Award...

It takes strange things for for some of us to become motivated. Sometimes they are good, sometimes others need to watch someone fall off their bike to feel better about the current situation. For the most part I can honestly say that I am partial to both. Sometimes I need to see the victories of other comrades, sometimes I need to witness the failure to assure myself I will not let my fate be the same.
With that being said, I have been in a weird place myself. Not sure if anything seems motivating these days. Today is a different day however. Today I want to see the victories of all my fellow soldiers. I want more then ever to be pushed in a direction of challenge. By this I mean I want to go to the Olympics of passions. Each one of us bringing the best of what we possess. I no longer want to see the tired faces of those who have failed before. I want to be among those who want it more then I do. Test me. I am just as curious as you. Let the best man win. Not everyone can have the blue ribbon. And if it is not mine, I am dying to know who can beat me to it.

The Obvious.

I hate the word Obvious. It's a bad word. The only reason this word was brought into a human vocabulary was to make you feel like a fool. When someone tells me something is obvious they might as well be telling me to go fuck myself. The reason being, is when a person is struggling the answers aren't always so black and white. The Answer is not always "obvious" to us. If it was (and this is giving a lot people the benefit of the doubt) we would do it. The majority of humanity no matter how cynical would plug in the proper solution and fix the problem. This is just simple mathematics. But it is not that simple, the different emotions constantly pulling our mind and souls in different directions, showing us what certain decisions would do to the outcomes of situations doesn't make any one choice an obvious one. There is a grace period of weighing our options and looking at the risks that we are susceptible to.

With that being said, think it out. Do not feel guilty that you don't know what to do, regardless of how many people in your life are so quick to tell you the "obvious" path to which you should take. Be not afraid to make the wrong choice. You did it for your own personal reasons, whatever they might me wrong or right. We are people, in this crazy life together all trying to reach some particular goal. And sometimes are goal is not even "obvious" to ourselves. So I encourage you all to that the time, weigh the pros and cons, maybe even get your feet wet in all the different avenues that life choices might take you down. And never let a silly word such as obvious, stop you from feeling like you might want to do something else. Because the word is obsolete, it's not real. Make you life one that not one person could say they saw coming. You'll get where your trying to go. I promise. Whatever it takes.

You can't have the truth without those lies...

When you are lied to, you find out who you really are. It's really that simple, its that cookie cutter. Debated, this is assuming that you have found out you have been lied to repeatedly by someone. You learn how strong or sadly in most cases how weak you are. You learn what people can get away, how you can be played and how you can be manipulated by people that obviously understand your vulnerable areas. Mental attacks are a bitch. There is no seeing them coming and even if you do have a idea that they are coming you can never tell in which direction this is actually going to come at you in. And in the best (however) rarest case you actually prove stronger then you or your "opponent" thought. Good for you, you are a bigger person then I.

There seems to be lessons that are learned and burning hate and motivation that I can feed off of for the next 6-8 months of my life. I need that. It's a strange realization. So maybe the joke wasn't on me, maybe I am not the village idiot. I like the bitterness. I enjoy the hurt, please show me you don't care, let me feel it like hot iron pressed up against my cool flesh. I want to submerge my self in the heartache, everywhere I turn I want it to be there, reminding me of the unforgettable lesson of betrayal that people can teach one another. Am I your pupil or your victim? Well I guess that is all in perspective. The only worry I have is that I might not learn the lesson, I may not find the truth. Because I love the lie, I don't know how to be alive without the pain.

The common rules amongst men these days is keep your business to yourself. Watch your fellow man fall to the avid world, and do nothing. Turns out we are only victim to the rules we live by. I decide when to stop or keep going. So I guess the people around will watch me fall, and I will give the same courtesy? No. I won't. The common rule can go fuck itself. I will walk amongst the gladiators of men. "Victory favors those who pay in pain." So let it happen. If I am left alone in my arena then let it be. But I no longer belong to the common rules, I no longer belong to you. Your weak. But not all can be strong. Through you timorous lies, I have seen the only truth you have to offer. I'm not impressed.

A Small Moment

July 22, 1999.
My father turned thirty years old. He was coming back from a business trip and my mother had planned a surprise party for him. My mother was twenty six and stunning. Like most women of the nineties she found herself a fan of the Jimmy Buffet/Tommy Bahama islander look. She had long blond hair and tan skin. She worn a thin white tunic with some blue jeans. She has never been the type to wear a lot of make up so her skin was lightened with a little powder and plumb colored blush. Light blue eyes brighten her face and she scurries around the house making sure everyone is in their place.
The car pulls up. We hear my Grandpa and Dad coming around the back. You hear my Grandpa bitching about the garage door being jammed and they have to go through the backyard door. They come around the corner and we all shout the classic "SURPRISE".
My father the strongest, bravest, gladiator of a man I know is moved to tears as his family and friends congratulate him on the accomplishment. Knowing more about my father's history it is a accomplishment he made it all the way to thirty. His eyes scan the yard for my mother who waits until he has said the "hi, how are yous" and "thanks for coming out's". Then he hugs her and looks at her lovingly knowing that she gets stressed when putting these things together. I am sitting on my aunt's lap and get up quickly to say hi. My hair naturally a golden blond and unlike my mothers my eye's are dark and stubborn. I greet my father with Happy Birthday. He picks me up and kisses me and looks around for my younger sisters. We all sit outside for the rest of the evening until it get's dark and people start to fade away.
I remember being a little girl afraid for evenings like these to end. Afraid that moments like those would never happen again. I'm still afraid of that as a adult woman. The only difference now is I am no longer naturally blond.

It's Time

"The only thing to fear is fear it's self."

So very true. Life is what we make of it. We are our own puppet masters, nothing can really get under our skin unless we let it. There does come a time when holding grudges and hate in ourselves because less satisfying and more of a burden. When you have forgotten why you hate in fact maybe it is time to let go. Offer up your olive branch and if not excepted with open arms leave it on the doorstep maybe the birds will pick at it. There comes a time to stand tall and for what you believe is right and then comes the time to sit down and listen to the others side of the same tale. I'm not saying that all is well in the world, but maybe today all can be well in your world. Things are never as they seem, the good or the bad." Winning and losing aren't all that different, its just the way the outside world views you."

So did I win or did I lose. I guess that is all in how you look at things. Honestly this morning around 10:00 a.m. I would have told you I failed. Today around 3:30 p.m. I could look at you and tell you I was proud of myself for being able to put away the stubborn part of myself and fall back on my new found peace.