It's All Hard.

Writing. Life. Love. Fitness. Sex. Drugs. Rock n 'Roll.

Writing because it's all you have sometimes, sure it can be influenced by other things, giving you something to work off of, however for the most part it is raw. When you write it is literally yourself vs. yourself, trying at maximum effort to pull ideas that could possibly go anywhere from your brain.  Life because finding that sense of security is the driving force in all the small actions we as humans beings do, and the rug is constantly being pulled out from underneath us. Love, because it requires the trust, the trust, that requires that stupid ass rug, the same rug, that with its flawless timing is ripped out from under you. Fitness, because you need the sexy body to find the love that requires the trust, that requires the fucking rug. And exercise makes eating bullets look fun. Sex, because you have to maintain the fitness to "make the love" both physically and emotionally I myself would assume. Drugs, because they are to expensive to really be enjoyed when it's appropriate. And rock n' roll, because it starts the cycle of writing about life and the things in it, like love, sex, rugs and drugs.

Happy Monday.

To Kill A Spider.

Oh what a tangled web we weave,

When first we practice to deceive!

Sir Walter Scott

So true good sir, oh so true. My mind runs rampant tonight. It must be the rain. Or the wine. I am not sure. We are deceivers by nature I believe. Telling lies as though it was the new language of a new era. Why? We comfort ourselves by telling ourselves that it is to protect others feelings. Ha! We even lie to ourselves. But it is it for selfish reasons we bend the truth. Weaving it around until it is so tightly spun we can't tell where it started. Maybe this is the sociopath in me that sees the beauty in what it is we are trying to accomplish. each silk strand is placed in  particular place to make the line connecting dots A and B. We truly do through our own deception try and make other happy. We are a cowardly generation full of "yes-men". I have not met anyone recently who can tell me no, or at least no with some conviction. It is crime to be selfish, so instead of excepting this, we twist our needs and others into something entirely different until we ourselves come out on top. It's how celebrities come back from scandalous sex tapes and the Mafia still lives and breaths. its how something small turns into something uncontrollable. And we wonder why we are scared of spiders.

"I'll feed you baby bird."

I receive a phone call at 2:23 a.m. last Friday morning. He demands that we hangout immediately. He is intoxicated. I am not. I respectfully decline the offer. A pity, he is extremely good looking. However I have just gotten off work and my bed is tempting me with it usual seduction. I fall for it again.

But before we get off the phone in his inebriated words he mentions my writing.

My interests peaks..."and.." I replied.

"I have read all your pieces, looking for myself or maybe even a small acknowledgment to when we might have been seeing each other, and I am no were to be found."
"No I suppose you weren't written about...does that bother you?"
"Yes, I don't want to read anymore."

This is absolutely fascinating and I love it. It proves my theory that ego's are our driving factor and I will need to "you" (those who read my writing to refer to my piece...Should I not be thankful for...) My theory being that if you are not noted in something that you discard it as a waste of time, basically. This oddly is great for me to hear, he was obviously upset, that's not what pleases me, the feelings that were risen in him is what peaked my interests. It put a smile on my face for the rest of the night. So with that being said I admire your arrogance, I too feel the same way more often then not...as do we all. We just want a little shout out even if its negative, we are all like children with A.D.D. searching for attention...good or bad. It's why girls who are over- weight sleep around or why teenage boys get tattoos they will regret before they are twenty-five. We are attentions whores. And I love it.

Going to the Circus

There is almost nothing that does not scare me. The idea of settling down with someone I love and who loves me, or beginning a free spirit that has no attachment or obligation to anything or anyone else. I have always prided myself on being the best at something, but the joke is on me. I can't commit to something let alone someone. One of my biggest fears in life has been the thought of being trapped in a suburban hell with a cookie cutter home, mediocre sex life and a couple of kids who could potentially grow up and face the same destiny and not having a place in the world or not being a part of something that ultimately gives me peace. In writing those are my greatest fears.

Then there are times when I forget those fears. For instance sharing glass of wine with a friend who talks about being able in a way to relate to the writings. Someone who without saying, just gets it. The need to be apart of something more. And no it wasn't the wine that lets my mind at ease, if anything the alcohol heightens my awareness of where I am in life making me anxious and uncomfortable. It is the comfort of knowing that other people understand and want to find similar things in life, such as a passions and purpose. I know a man and he loves clowns. When he expressed an interest in actually dressing up like a clown and entertaining children's birthday parties, my face (by his response) said it all. He then replies with "well it was only going to be my hobby". After making the child molester joke that was basically set up for me, I actually found respect for him. For his strange interest in clowns, he finds peace in the silly circus music and a mask of confidence behind his face paint. Then I smile at the idea of a clown making me forget my worries. In the end maybe we do all have a purpose.

Every Morning.

The idea of working out and maintaining a healthy life style is more of a joke to me at this point. There is almost virtually no way of making a completely sincere life change. I recently lost a bit of weight. And by a bit I mean a small toddler, was I ever obese... no.... was I the thicker girl with the personality to make her attractive enough to still hit on...yes. Now with that being said I have began to maintain this new life style between a series of a very well balanced diet and exercise five days a week. But the part that truly humors me...is I do it all out of spite. There is not a single part of me ever, that wakes up in the morning craving a egg white spinach omelet. Will I eat it? Yes. Enjoy it? Well its food. At this point I find the way people looking at me demonstrating self control more satisfying. The way your friends and family blink once or even two times to make sure they are seeing you correctly. And men... oh men. That is something a cheeseburger can never satisfy. I know when I grow older I will be grateful for maintaining a healthy lifestyle, my body will thank me in ways that will become far less shallow, but for now its about clothes and sex. I want to be put up against a wall in a size 4 dress. And with that being said I'm going to finish my omelet and black coffee and cry my way through a 3 mile run.

My kinds your kind.

I am of a dying breed. I am twenty years old and hate cell phones. I am computer literate enough to write and press the button that release my recent thoughts out unto the universe. iPads, laptops, televisions inside vehicles. I do not understand any of this. If you go out to lunch with a friend I dare you to count how many times the look, touch, text on their cell phone. This honestly doesn't bother almost anyone. It bothers me, visiting with people used to be enough, thoughtful conversation and a good meal used to be enough for people. Now while we talk to each other we have to browse through a new app or be having a entirely different conversation with someone else with another mode of technology. I wish it would go away. I love the idea of solitude and entertaining myself with actually actives. It might be my my love for reading and writing, but it seems that almost all of my peers have forgotten about the pleasure of actually knowing and spending time interacting with people.

Lights Sometimes Go On

It's not having the sex that make you a whore. It's who you sleep with.