Birthday Card to myself....

Happy Birthday Alisha,

Today you are 22 years old. You'll never be as young as you are today.
I know that you are feeling surreal. It's 2012, your peers are graduating from college now,
you are starting to get antsy. Never in a million years did you think that you would still be
in Reno, NV having ended up dropping out of college not once, but twice. Sucking up you pride
and going to beauty school how realistically you always wanted to, but told yourself you were to good for.

Now you are here, at 22. Where is here? I'll tell you...

Here is starting to realize why your parents may have done some of the things they did, and moving past that. Being able to look at them in the eye's with gratitude now knowing they did the best they could.

Here is having a incredible friendship that has lasted through the times, alcohol, abuse, hurt, happiness, good, bad, ski boots and pissed pants. An unconditional, unjudged, untainted connection.

Here is having the first relationship that might be the last. And for the record. Expectation is different from hope.

You have done some cool shit. You have done some stupid shit. You have done some mean shit. You have done some ballsy shit and some skanky shit. You have done some smart shit and some noble shit.

All in all you are in your twenties. This is were you have always wanted to be. Enjoy it. It only lasts until it's gone. If I can offer you any advice, slow down. Be smart, save some God damn money for a rainy day. You don't act like you should always, but give yourself some credit your doing the best you can. And it's not that bad.

Stop judging people, especially for you own personal amusement. You can be such an asshole sometimes.

Write more, you might be good at.

Workout more, it makes you look nice.

Have a great Birthday, see you in a year.

Always,

Alisha

Crossing My Fingers.

         I have done this most of my life. Closed my eyes tight, pinched my fingers tightly behind my back and hoped for the best. This has applied  to all areas of my life... exams, bills, jobs, consequences, boyfriends ect. It pains me though. Nine times out of ten I am let down, practicing the definition of insanity. I do the same thing over and over again. I hate it. The worst part is I genuinely expect a different result. Then another thing happens, say the odds land in my favor? Then I am immediately suspicious as to this outcome, and then find myself waiting constantly for the other shoe to drop.
         I'll be honest with the good people of the internet world. I am not a naturally happy women. I have to work at it. I work at it very hard. Some days not so much as others. Sometimes the venom can flow freely without so much as a second thought, seeping bitterness into every word I dare write. Then on the good days I think of a hopeful day, when I am not convinced almost every act from people is not a personal attack.
     I want to believe that good things just happen, because they do. I want to believe the man I am with will be good to me forever, and that all feelings don't eventually run out.
I want to believe that my parents will stay together forever and that my younger sisters will grow up and make better choices then I did. I want to believe that my best friend, will always be my best friend and that partying all night will always be fun. I want to believe that the President is doing the best he can, and that when I graduate there will be a job waiting for me. I want to believe when I get married it will be because we love each other and not because "it's about that time". I want to believe that someday I will believe all of these things....but until then I am just crossing my fingers.

OMG! What's your gamer tag? Blah.

Truth. I have never seen the original Star Wars. And to many peoples dismay those close to me and those not so close to me, I have never really had any real interest in seeing these pop culture films. It could be because growing up, I was busy being obsessed with my own fantasy world that was filled with mermaids, rocket ships, Atlantis and Hogwarts. I think the reason I have actually taken a stand now to avoid this pop culture bullshit is because I find it a total cop out. People for instance use iconic movies  for a great conversation starter to show each other how well versed they are in these things that they could have in common. When I here a girl telling a guy how in love with Halo she is, I can't help but role my eyes and hope that all the gamer lingo she looked up on Google doesn't run out before she has a chance to take him home and trap him with her voodoo vagina.
It's bullshit. Girl's have been taking the same avenue to get attention for decades. My personal favorite is one that involves physical activity. Such as running, hiking, climbing, snowboarding...and sure enough when it comes time to preform we fall short of set expectation. I guess all I am really trying to get across is have a little faith in your ability as a person to meet people with different interests and see who comes to you. You are interesting, the strange sideshow of thoughts that run though your head are probably worth hearing. So if you could stop talking about how you have always wanted to dress up like slave Leia, and have an actual conversation about things that could be mutually interesting. I can only assume people could get so much farther in communication and thus finding what they are ultimately looking for...someone to relate to. For the record my boyfriend/living partner is obsessed with Star Wars and has threatened to leave me on several occasions for having not witnessed that awesomeness that is needs to bestow upon me.  And on the same note we are still together. Find other things to talk about, it feels a lot better when you aren't pretending to be interested.

"I AM A LADY".

Today I woke up wearing nothing but thigh high stockings and a smile. The perfect start to a day if  you were to ask me. As soon as I finally convinced myself to get out of the warmth of my bed, I made my way over to the bathroom. I looked and the mirror saw my hair a mess, the faint traces of make-up from the night before and the bands of the stocking pinching just lightly slightly above my knee. And I have to be honest, I felt like a sex kitten.
        That little moment made me realize for some reason that I haven't seen a real pretty woman in a long time. Don't get me wrong I am not saying waking up looking like a call girl is the end all on being a lady, but the idea of waking up in stocking and still having perfume on from the night before is sexy to me. It's being a lady. I look around me and it is more then apparent that some women give two shits about what they look like. Have you ever been to the DMV and seen women in there looking like death warmed over? I have. And the only thing I would like to tell women like that is stop this madness. i look at some women who have gone out the night before and for some reason sticking a bun on top of your head and not washing your make up off is a suitable way of showing up to work. I think not, I wouldn't go to the mail box looking like that, let alone my place of work. The more time I spend on social networking sites the more time I spend reading what assholes men are and seeing pictures of girl on toilets (not an exaggeration).
       If you want to be treated like a lady, then I suggest you act like one. For instance lets try not being wheeled out of the casinos, puking in every bar bathroom we go into, and if we have breasts bigger then DD lets try not wearing a strapless dress. All lite suggestions. If you want your boyfriend to make you feel beautiful, why don't you get your ass out of his sweatpants, put something sexy on, stop bitching about your weight and give him a massage. It's pretty simple. And if you want a life partner in general keep it together ladies. Everyone of us has something to offer from beauty to intelligence to creativity. But it is hard to see that, when you think that yoga pants and Ugg boots qualify as a entire seasons outfit choices.
     Talking to a friend of mine that I admire as the true lady she is, says she can spot a real lady by her toes. If everything else in her appearance is pristine, but when you look down through her peep toe wedges and see the clipped and gnarled truth within in them, she deems you a poser. Of a lady that it. Now some of the women who read this are going to be disgruntled, annoyed and even a little hurt. And I have only one thing to say to them, try harder. 

Money Talks.

The sexiest thing a man can do, is foot the bill.

 I am not talking about the guy at the club you hustle for a couple drinks, he is a douche bag and ladies you are all blood- sucking she devils for participating in such behavior.
I am talking about the real deal. A nice meal with good wine or whiskey, that says, "hi, you are worth my time, energy and money." When you guys are just walking the mall and he picks you up something you have been drooling over for months. That is sexy. It's truly not about the money, but what its saying. It's saying, " Thank you, you are appreciated, you are valued." Women who state that they don't need help from a man or anybody, are awesome don't me wrong. And I think it goes without saying that men do not want to live off of their girlfriends/wives/ roommates or anyone for that matter. So when a guy goes out of his way to give a little extra in the direction of someone who is already self-sufficient, it feels even more amazing. There is no guilt, no feelings of obligation. Just a mutual understanding that you want to give to this person, just because.

This goes for ladies too. If you know that he wants the new Call of Duty: Everybody Must Die, go ahead and splurge a little.  However, if you are going to be participating in this please do it right. If you are going to be forking out cash for your man, do it for HIM! This does not mean you buy a trip for two at a creepy bed & breakfast you think is "too cute", were you guys sit and talk about your feelings all weekend. Why you would want to do that in the first place is beyond me.

To be honest there are a couple things that got me going on this thought path. 1.) Guys complaining about how there are no good women and how terrible relationships are. 2.) How a broken person like me, has found a little ray of sunshine. And I would like others to feel it too.

Guys there are good girls out there, you just have look. Hard. Really hard. Really, really hard. And when you see some potentional in one, don't wait to act. Treat them as if they could be that diamond in the rough. Buy dinner, pick some fucking flowers, paint a picture. Do whatever it takes to let them know that you think they are a person worth spending time and money on. In return, blowjobs. I mean a really nice gal. And even the possiblity to stop being that guy who gets hustled for drinks at the bar every Friday night.

Food for thought. Think about it.

I'm convinced.

You're in an amazing relationship. You status updated said so.

Clearance. Everything Must Go. 2012

        It's that time of year again. The time when everyone starts over and makes false commitments in hopes of a better life with the new year to come. I personally always get a little sad. Because the beginning of something new almost always leads to the end of something else. This is the time of year for reflection, as humans the bad always seems to stick out more then the good. However it is very important that we truly evalute and determine all the things we wish to change the good and the bad. Seems as though a lot of us are trying to live more simply, expecting a little less and even giving when it is not convient. I commend you and feel free to continue being awesome.
       As for the rest of us, tie up lose ends. Apologize when you see the error of your ways. Stick to your beliefs and have some conviction. If a relationship is dead, let it rest in peace. If something needs to get done, do it yourself. Branch out, there are more people then your co-workers in the world. Make you boyfriend/girlfriend dinner when you know they've had a long day. Call your grandma. Let other people be happy. Stop talking to other girls boyfriends. Brush your teeth twice a day. And make 2012 your bitch.

Happy Fucking New Year.