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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I Miss You, Today.

It's been easy. Almost fun letting go of us. But not today. Today I miss you. Everything. Good and bad. The days have been good, busy, productive days. I have been working and going to school. I have seen friends that I haven't seen in years and doors have been opening up for me that I could have never imagined. But today I miss you and none of that matters. I have shown no weakness, no mourning to what was us. I have kept our secret. I have pushed forward, but I will look back some times to make the anguish last. Pain is all I have to remember you by. That makes me sad all day. I can still smell you sometimes if I close my eyes. I still remember the way your laugh sounds and the way your body felt next to mine. I miss you. And no one will ever know. Truthfully I haven't even cried. Not once. I try to think back if at some point if you were honest, if ever there was anything between us. But whats the point. Its helps that it was a secret, it really does. I might never have stopped loving you if the world knew. This way is best, just the way I like it. Alone. I have not felt this comfortable since the day before I met you. But today I miss you. I miss every ounce of your lying, deceitful body. You never know what a relationship meant to you until it has ended. However I am still waiting to see how I feel, permanently. I cant remember if we argued on where to eat, but it was always an interesting time. None the less, I miss you lover, today.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Beginning

The beginning. Strange idea that is all has a beginning. Even the end has a beginning.
Remember when you were with the person your with right now and it was the beginning of the two of you. Every conversation was interesting and sex was like it was lite on fire. Then there came the beginning of the end. The phone calls stopped as frequently, the time together became less valued. Physical attraction takes a dive. The beginning. I miss the beginning of everything.
Now I am on a new beginning and I feel that maybe the world is too. I feel it changing all around me. I am trying to embrace it. I find this difficult. I am an angry person and this allows me to complete tasks that the other average content person could not. I wonder if this is a advantage or an actual weakness. I have a friend who is a pastor who tells me it is ok to be weak, it will take me about 10 years to see this as fact. The thought makes my stomach churn. It makes me want to get sick. The thought of being vulnerable literally makes me physically ill and my brain refuses its messages. Is the holy man right? I cant be sure. But as these sutures hold together my wounds and slowly develop into scars. I wonder what lessons I will take with me to my new beginning.