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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Obvious.

I hate the word Obvious. It's a bad word. The only reason this word was brought into a human vocabulary was to make you feel like a fool. When someone tells me something is obvious they might as well be telling me to go fuck myself. The reason being, is when a person is struggling the answers aren't always so black and white. The Answer is not always "obvious" to us. If it was (and this is giving a lot people the benefit of the doubt) we would do it. The majority of humanity no matter how cynical would plug in the proper solution and fix the problem. This is just simple mathematics. But it is not that simple, the different emotions constantly pulling our mind and souls in different directions, showing us what certain decisions would do to the outcomes of situations doesn't make any one choice an obvious one. There is a grace period of weighing our options and looking at the risks that we are susceptible to.

With that being said, think it out. Do not feel guilty that you don't know what to do, regardless of how many people in your life are so quick to tell you the "obvious" path to which you should take. Be not afraid to make the wrong choice. You did it for your own personal reasons, whatever they might me wrong or right. We are people, in this crazy life together all trying to reach some particular goal. And sometimes are goal is not even "obvious" to ourselves. So I encourage you all to that the time, weigh the pros and cons, maybe even get your feet wet in all the different avenues that life choices might take you down. And never let a silly word such as obvious, stop you from feeling like you might want to do something else. Because the word is obsolete, it's not real. Make you life one that not one person could say they saw coming. You'll get where your trying to go. I promise. Whatever it takes.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

You can't have the truth without those lies...

When you are lied to, you find out who you really are. It's really that simple, its that cookie cutter. Debated, this is assuming that you have found out you have been lied to repeatedly by someone. You learn how strong or sadly in most cases how weak you are. You learn what people can get away, how you can be played and how you can be manipulated by people that obviously understand your vulnerable areas. Mental attacks are a bitch. There is no seeing them coming and even if you do have a idea that they are coming you can never tell in which direction this is actually going to come at you in. And in the best (however) rarest case you actually prove stronger then you or your "opponent" thought. Good for you, you are a bigger person then I.

There seems to be lessons that are learned and burning hate and motivation that I can feed off of for the next 6-8 months of my life. I need that. It's a strange realization. So maybe the joke wasn't on me, maybe I am not the village idiot. I like the bitterness. I enjoy the hurt, please show me you don't care, let me feel it like hot iron pressed up against my cool flesh. I want to submerge my self in the heartache, everywhere I turn I want it to be there, reminding me of the unforgettable lesson of betrayal that people can teach one another. Am I your pupil or your victim? Well I guess that is all in perspective. The only worry I have is that I might not learn the lesson, I may not find the truth. Because I love the lie, I don't know how to be alive without the pain.

The common rules amongst men these days is keep your business to yourself. Watch your fellow man fall to the avid world, and do nothing. Turns out we are only victim to the rules we live by. I decide when to stop or keep going. So I guess the people around will watch me fall, and I will give the same courtesy? No. I won't. The common rule can go fuck itself. I will walk amongst the gladiators of men. "Victory favors those who pay in pain." So let it happen. If I am left alone in my arena then let it be. But I no longer belong to the common rules, I no longer belong to you. Your weak. But not all can be strong. Through you timorous lies, I have seen the only truth you have to offer. I'm not impressed.

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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Where did you come from....

The character Jax Teller from Hit Series, Sons of Anarchy. Is not only undoubtedly gorgeous, but his character on the show is absolutely intriguing and thought out. He is a complex character dealing with the major decisions of a high powered motorcycle gang in California. Recently dealing with the kidnapping of his newborn son, he is forced to make major choices for the sake of his club, child and reputation within other gangs in the area. He is having trouble cooping with his son being missing and putting his club at risk for appearing weak. In the end of the first episode of season three, he makes up his mind for what he is going to stand for, sending a strong message to other rival gangs such as the Irish. His relationship with a beautiful, brunette doctor is put in jeopardy when his is going through his mourning over his son. Their future is still to be seen. Charlie Hunnam is the actor that plays this role.
Ending on that note I just have to say, Jax Teller, I love you. And it hurts me that you don't really exist.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Diet Coke

There is almost nothing better then an ice cold Coca-Cola. I try and imagine a world where I enjoy anything as much as I enjoy drinking a fountain Coke on ice. It's hard for me though. I have been finding in efforts to keep my ass at a decent size that diet Coke is a reasonable alternative for a soda lover , but there is still that "something" missing. However, diet Coke I don't want you to blame yourself. It is inevitability in my head, always has been. I can settle for nothing but the best.

This puts a damper on most of my relationships, life choices and material positions, not just my beverage choices. I can not help but taste the clear difference in quality as I compare things to the way they once were or could be. There are the rare occasions that I am enjoying the crisp and refreshing sensation of moments, but they are only to be meet to with the overwhelming urge to hoard because the experience could be taken away at any moment and the realization that these feelings come few and far between sets in. Shitty for lack of a more compelling or articulate way of portraying feelings. However I have a secret, sometimes, just sometimes...I truly enjoy a diet coke. For exactly what it is. A void filler. Fuck me right.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

So I've Got Scars Upon My Cheek...

I am disarray, demanding, cold, sarcastic, emotionally fucked and unstable. I find it shocking when someone can not tolerate me. Not just shocked but even offended that someone is incapable of sure coming to the emotionally abuse I would more then likely put them through. I have looked to faith and spritiual renforcements for answers, at times screaming God's name is repetition in hopes that some divine power will interven on the train wreck that I call my life. I have looked to the science of psychology expecting to much. I went into this thinking that concrete answers would help, but I can not comprehend a chemical imbalance in my cerebellum is the reason I can not accept rejection or abandonment in any form. Philosophy was a option. But I can not crawl that far up my own ass to be able to embrace the message these teachers are undoubtly trying to convey to the world. In the end I am uneducated and alone.

"He's a font of misplaced rage. Name your cliche: Mother held him too much or not enough, last picked at kickball, late-night sneaky uncle, whatever. Now he's so angry, moments of levity actually cause him pain... give him headaches. Happiness, for that gentleman, hurts."

- Garland Green