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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Birthday Card to myself....

Happy Birthday Alisha,

Today you are 22 years old. You'll never be as young as you are today.
I know that you are feeling surreal. It's 2012, your peers are graduating from college now,
you are starting to get antsy. Never in a million years did you think that you would still be
in Reno, NV having ended up dropping out of college not once, but twice. Sucking up you pride
and going to beauty school how realistically you always wanted to, but told yourself you were to good for.

Now you are here, at 22. Where is here? I'll tell you...

Here is starting to realize why your parents may have done some of the things they did, and moving past that. Being able to look at them in the eye's with gratitude now knowing they did the best they could.

Here is having a incredible friendship that has lasted through the times, alcohol, abuse, hurt, happiness, good, bad, ski boots and pissed pants. An unconditional, unjudged, untainted connection.

Here is having the first relationship that might be the last. And for the record. Expectation is different from hope.

You have done some cool shit. You have done some stupid shit. You have done some mean shit. You have done some ballsy shit and some skanky shit. You have done some smart shit and some noble shit.

All in all you are in your twenties. This is were you have always wanted to be. Enjoy it. It only lasts until it's gone. If I can offer you any advice, slow down. Be smart, save some God damn money for a rainy day. You don't act like you should always, but give yourself some credit your doing the best you can. And it's not that bad.

Stop judging people, especially for you own personal amusement. You can be such an asshole sometimes.

Write more, you might be good at.

Workout more, it makes you look nice.

Have a great Birthday, see you in a year.



Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Crossing My Fingers.

         I have done this most of my life. Closed my eyes tight, pinched my fingers tightly behind my back and hoped for the best. This has applied  to all areas of my life... exams, bills, jobs, consequences, boyfriends ect. It pains me though. Nine times out of ten I am let down, practicing the definition of insanity. I do the same thing over and over again. I hate it. The worst part is I genuinely expect a different result. Then another thing happens, say the odds land in my favor? Then I am immediately suspicious as to this outcome, and then find myself waiting constantly for the other shoe to drop.
         I'll be honest with the good people of the internet world. I am not a naturally happy women. I have to work at it. I work at it very hard. Some days not so much as others. Sometimes the venom can flow freely without so much as a second thought, seeping bitterness into every word I dare write. Then on the good days I think of a hopeful day, when I am not convinced almost every act from people is not a personal attack.
     I want to believe that good things just happen, because they do. I want to believe the man I am with will be good to me forever, and that all feelings don't eventually run out.
I want to believe that my parents will stay together forever and that my younger sisters will grow up and make better choices then I did. I want to believe that my best friend, will always be my best friend and that partying all night will always be fun. I want to believe that the President is doing the best he can, and that when I graduate there will be a job waiting for me. I want to believe when I get married it will be because we love each other and not because "it's about that time". I want to believe that someday I will believe all of these things....but until then I am just crossing my fingers.