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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Monday, October 11, 2010

"That Guy"

"Last night." To all too many this is all that needs to be said to a close friend. The look in your glazed eye's and the vomit on your dress does all the talking for you. Then the explanation of last nights sequences begins and it is shown how the next morning's monstrosity came to exist. And it is "that" friend you have to face. The friend that rarely if ever has to say "Last Night", and it's that friend that is only one you knew would answer the phone or stay by your side to hold your hair back when you are throwing up holding everyone else's night up. Your "That Guy" and you have to face it, in the morning and the only thing worse then facing "That Friend" is having to pack up your shit and go home sit in your cold shower get out wipe of the mirror and stare at yourself.

You think to back when you were a kid and when you saw your parents fight and people being treated unjust. Even with all that information you were processing you never thought it could be this bad. You never thought you would be the person who goes into the bathroom and looks in the mirror drunk, glazing at your reflection knowing you should stop and pick up a glass of water and make for the nearest exit. But you don't, you take a deep breathe look one last time and reassure yourself that your only having fun and people will forgive your indiscretions due to your over-whelming alcohol intake. Even maybe saying it out loud, "I got this, I got this, I'm good." The lying helps. However people don't forgive and even more rarely forget.

It's not always substances, it could even be a relationship, toxic and decrepit. But you hold on. Telling yourself over and over this time is different. This is love. The pain is what makes it worth it. Knowing all to well where he/she is or has been. Turning the other cheek to classic signs of deception. It's consumes almost worse then any drunken haze or blindsided drug trip. Your heart races uncontrollably and you rational thought leaves you completely void of a progressive action for the better of yourself. Then if it becomes blatantly obvious that you can't be enough, you become spiteful and vengeful. And still even though you might have originally been the victim, you've become "That Guy."
Or you crave the conflict, you know undying that you are the problem. Not the other person. You want to feel something, so push and pull until something gives. Until your the one who is uncomfortable and things have pushed to far. Either way, your loosing a uphill battle.

There it is laid out on the table. Every single person can relate, everyone can understand in one form or another. It's "That Guy" who shows us who we are capable of being when we never in even our darkest hours could have ever believed we could come too. How many times do we need to meet him, until we understand we don't like him. Maybe even hate him. The sick feeling your left with not only emotionally but even physically it is there every time. The hollow shell he leaves behind for you to live in.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

5 Year Plan

I have recently discovered that in order to not come across as a complete piece o' shit you need to have some sort of direction. People enjoy talking to others who understand what they want and where they are going. The conversation I had with a close friend still haunts me, even today. We talked about the laundry list of accomplishments and traits that it would take to really have me appreciate a friend, colleague or even a lover. It was ridiculous the strenuous tasks that is would take for a person to even jump out at me. For instance, " Musically inclined, but athletic." No not impossible to find, but what kind of asshole am I to state that and think that is should be some sort of requirement on my poor needs list. It's the guy that didn't like football who first picked up the guitar pick, why take that away?

The idea of a nomad is attractive to a lot of us. We as people love and hate those who can do the things we can not, free spirits. But you can not depend on these people. Not one person that I have ever some across has mentioned a spontaneous person that will pop up occasionally in any sort of plan. I don't have one either. But I also don't have a plan.

When I was running the other day, trying to clear my head, it seemed as each step hit the cement and the shock ran up through my ankle to my knee and up my hip, the thoughts in my head just seemed to get more and more mixed up. There wasn't peace here anymore. It was the running that made me realize this, but it was the lack of drive in a thought. I can't stop and focus on one movement or idea. I get unsatisfied and move on quickly. I need a plan I can stick to. I need someone to hand me there laundry list and have me try to impress them.