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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Exposure.

             There comes that moment in every relationship. When the honeymoon portion of the relationship runs thin and you start to see the transparent parts of each other. There is discovery in this portion, you learn how far you can go on certain things, how far they can go on certain things and whether or not it right for you. I call this period the exposure. Some people reach it quick, for others it can take years. They are big moments, like the first fight, the first time you cry, the first time you look at the other person without the pure intent to be nice to them.
           The older I get oddly enough, this is the time I treasure the most. I've been to enough rodeos to know that  this is the real deal. It's easy to get along with a lot of people in the beginning. It's lite risk, like putting 5 on a hand off blackjack and coming up. It's fun and easy. Sit in on that table game for a while and shit will get real. You'll see the people who know when they have a good thing and take it for what it is, and you will also find those that will be continuously chasing their loses. 
       The exposure is about being who you really are and having someone look at you after the amazing date were you both dressed up and had cocktails and laughed and put your best foot forward. Little did you know someone roofied both your drinks and you would later have to beat each other to the toilet for the rest of the evening after everyone publicly watch you vomit on your new dress (true story of a true friend). Then waking up next to one another with dick breathe and just being able to still love and laugh. After all of that. That is where truly the good stuff comes from. The trust is built on those moments. Moments of vulnerability. When we aren't seen at our best, in fact even maybe a step below our worst. Two things will be seen, the will to stay or the chance to leave. This period of time is what will pave the way for the rest of our lives in our relationships. Whether we choose to be alone or choose to share ourselves with another.
       So my ending thought on this is, don't be scared off by these rough patches and if you are (you are a huge pussy) not ready to give to someone else and don't waste your time or theirs. Everyone gets a bad day and needs someone on their team. You choose to be there and vice versa. Because let me tell you being single is awesome no doubt, but there is close to nothing more fulfilling in the world then knowing you threw up in your own purse the night before, rolling over and the man who bought it for you will still reach over and want to snuggle the shit outta you. It might not be how Shakespeare portrayed it, but friends it's the facts. 

I hope all of you, no matter what have someone on your team.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Coming To Terms.

Well I only missed my birthday card to myself by two months, but that is more my style anyway.

The past few months have been a blur, I suppose it's that time in life again. Time to change, time to move, time to learn more about yourself. Indeed, I have learned about myself throughout the years, so here it is in writing a few of things I have come to know in my early twenties...

  • Nothing is free. No favor, no dinner, no cocktail. Everything comes with a price.
  • There is absolutely nothing that time can not heal. Including bad credit.
  • It does not matter what age you are as a woman, if you like someone another woman likes you are fat. No rhyme or reason. Just fat. That's the answer.
  • Dating gets harder and easier at the same time.
  • Slowly but surely you get better with money. Savings accounts do exist.
  • You want to spend more time with your family. Siblings especially.
  • Goal weight actaully doesn't exist...just five more pounds.
  • Hangovers come correct.
  • The friends you have at this moment are the ones you will have the rest of your life.
  • Sleeping at someone else house at this point in life, is wildly inconvenient and uncomfortable.
  • A lot of us are as good looking as we will ever be.
  • These are some of the best times of our lives. 
  • Instead of it being crazy to be getting married, it's more like " what's wrong with her?'
  • There are clothes you are no longer aloud to wear. 
  • Saying "like" more then once in a sentence is unacceptable.
  • Things such as hikes and golfing are sounding more and more appealing.
  • Buying a dog and being able to afford to feed it is a good feeling.
  • Cocktailing and bartending is losing it charm. Being hott pays the bills...with your soul.
These are just a few brief examples of some of things that I have come across in the past couple years that may be leading me to believe my parents weren't completely full of shit.  I write these little things for me, but also maybe for others too. I want reassure people, your not the only one who feels weird about shopping at Charolette Russe or Forever 21. Or for the fellas, it's really not that strange you want to have a steady girl to treat right. It feels good being able to wake up before noon on a Sunday. I know, I know I am coming to terms with this as well. You don't have to apologize for partyin'...but can we maybe do brunch instead?

Thursday, May 1, 2014

The "L" Word.

      First please don’t insult me by suggesting I am talking about telling someone you love them. We are adults. The l word I am talking about is leave. The reason I bring this word up is because when I tell someone I love them, that is what I am thinking about. I love you to me, means I can not stand the idea of you leaving my life. The older I get, the more patient I have become. I didn't understand what love felt like when I was younger. All I knew was this anxious and confused feeling all the time. Wondering where this person I cared so deeply for was, who they were talking to and for what purposes. People say that’s not love, but in a way it is. Its young love. Not knowing quite what it is you want from another person, but knowing one thing with all your little one else can have them.

    I have loved a handful of men in my life and each time, I have grown to know what defines love a little more each time. But the one thing I am certain of at this point, love is knowing life will never be the same without that person. And sometimes that is not always a bad thing. Love is so vast and so wide no one could truly ever describe to one person what it means to feel it by a series of bullet points or rules. The cliché saying “if you love them, let them go...” is true. You can love someone and still know at the same it’s not right, it’s not forever or it’s not mutual.

      However no matter the lessons I have come to learn over time, one always had remained the same. Love for me is staying. The love, I want anyway. Through the good and bad days. And there are bad days. Good days are implied. But the bad days get rough. But when you love someone, it doesn’t matter. You fight and conquer. Then there are times I believe you can exhaust love, and the will to fight can die. When you love someone, the reasons to stay out way the reasons to leave. That is why love is so damn terrifying, if I am going to use what I feel is the most relatable word. Because when you admit to loving someone and letting them in, you are lifting your gates and lowering your shield, and you’re vulnerable. Then we are accepting of the fact, that this person has the means to bring the castle down. But when you love someone you risk the chance to have them leave, to have them stay in your life, for however long that may be. People will come and go. For me a relationship is defined on whether or not that it matters to me if you choose to leave. I know I can be shrill and cutting the cord for me is easier than most. I have tried in growing up to not be so cold, and appreciate the people who can’t dump others like trash that was missed on Monday.

 We choose the ones worth suffering for I suppose. In a strange way, I find solace in that. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Do You Think They'll Make It?

         Support is key. When people in this world feel supported, even if it's just by one person we can do great things. Whether it's your husband/wife, best friend, child, co-workers or even just someone yelling on the sidelines of some sporting event, support for our simple minds is enough to push us to finish some of our own personal toughest endeavors. I bring this up in the opposite way today. The new year is typically about what you can do better, but I say look outward at what is facing you. There is a time when you have to look around your arena and asks what am I cheering for? And by this I mean, what are you pouring your heart and soul into that is giving just as much back to you as you are putting in.
      I think about this in a very surreal state. It's hard to let things go, especially when you have put so much time and effort into trying to make it work. It's like the old college car that got you from point A to point B. You put up with it because it's what you believe your only option is at that time. Then you struggle through your first year at your new job with it, until one day you realize point A to point B isn't good enough anymore. Heated seats and a nice sound system are now necessities for your life, and as it turns out you now possess an income that can provide these things for you.
     As I look out onto the new year, I realize that I have been putting effort, time and mind power into some very questionable places. And I cant help but wonder have I been cheering in a empty stadium?
More or less what I am saying, is when you are in you element, who are the people really standing at your sidelines and who are those who are constantly missing the game?