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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Crossing My Fingers.

         I have done this most of my life. Closed my eyes tight, pinched my fingers tightly behind my back and hoped for the best. This has applied  to all areas of my life... exams, bills, jobs, consequences, boyfriends ect. It pains me though. Nine times out of ten I am let down, practicing the definition of insanity. I do the same thing over and over again. I hate it. The worst part is I genuinely expect a different result. Then another thing happens, say the odds land in my favor? Then I am immediately suspicious as to this outcome, and then find myself waiting constantly for the other shoe to drop.
         I'll be honest with the good people of the internet world. I am not a naturally happy women. I have to work at it. I work at it very hard. Some days not so much as others. Sometimes the venom can flow freely without so much as a second thought, seeping bitterness into every word I dare write. Then on the good days I think of a hopeful day, when I am not convinced almost every act from people is not a personal attack.
     I want to believe that good things just happen, because they do. I want to believe the man I am with will be good to me forever, and that all feelings don't eventually run out.
I want to believe that my parents will stay together forever and that my younger sisters will grow up and make better choices then I did. I want to believe that my best friend, will always be my best friend and that partying all night will always be fun. I want to believe that the President is doing the best he can, and that when I graduate there will be a job waiting for me. I want to believe when I get married it will be because we love each other and not because "it's about that time". I want to believe that someday I will believe all of these things....but until then I am just crossing my fingers.

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