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I'm not here to inspire doubt, only to provoke thought.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Take your life, and make less mistakes

Today I did one the of the hardest things to do that is humanly possible. I did the right thing. For the first time today since I can remember the beginning of my recently ended relationshit, I did the right thing for myself. I felt ecstasy, not the shitty club drug, not being drunk with a bunch of girls telling me I would get over him so soon, not sky diving. But driving home from a play. A small local play that was not very good, sitting in the company of a good friend, eating an awful awful burger and coming home to my baby bulldog, whom I proceeded to smother with kisses.
Like I said, I felt ecstasy. The feeling was so aberrant to me that at first I was not sure if I was comfortable in this state. I have found a reliable friend in suffering and grown very accustomed to its company. That the idea of contentment was almost unwelcome.
I believe that victory favors those who pay in pain. But now, more then ever before I KNOW it dose not have to stop there. There is experience gained in time wasted and the love that was put forth in vain can be restored. If not by the experience itself then by something as simple as the love from your dog. Today I became versed in the idea behind doing the right thing. "Don't be a short term thinker" my mother says to me daily. To me this illustrates the point of doing right by yourself and others. Funny perspective about doing the right thing is that it always feels like the most deprecating choice you could have made at the time, however with in minutes, days and sometimes even years it becomes the most sure thing sculpting you into the person you pride yourself on being. I realized in my particular situation I had the means to mold myself in to the person I want to live with for the rest of my life.
After I made to decision to do right and began to feel this overwhelming scene of elation. The first person to come to my mind is my father. I think back to being a kid, and remembering him watching me run track and do gymnastics. I would look up from the gym floor and see him in the booth above us. His eyes would watch me as I would go to accomplish routine or some other sort of conditioning deed. When I completed my goal successfully and could see the look on his face of pride and approval, I felt the feeling I felt today. I stopped doing gymnastics when I was twelve. Its been awhile since I have felt like I have done the right thing. Pain is so real sometimes that it feels good for that temporary fix. It makes the weak person inside feel strong again. I have been taught today that I have no more tolerance for the weaker version of myself. I am an athlete. Whatever it takes.

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