Going to the Circus

There is almost nothing that does not scare me. The idea of settling down with someone I love and who loves me, or beginning a free spirit that has no attachment or obligation to anything or anyone else. I have always prided myself on being the best at something, but the joke is on me. I can't commit to something let alone someone. One of my biggest fears in life has been the thought of being trapped in a suburban hell with a cookie cutter home, mediocre sex life and a couple of kids who could potentially grow up and face the same destiny and not having a place in the world or not being a part of something that ultimately gives me peace. In writing those are my greatest fears.

Then there are times when I forget those fears. For instance sharing glass of wine with a friend who talks about being able in a way to relate to the writings. Someone who without saying, just gets it. The need to be apart of something more. And no it wasn't the wine that lets my mind at ease, if anything the alcohol heightens my awareness of where I am in life making me anxious and uncomfortable. It is the comfort of knowing that other people understand and want to find similar things in life, such as a passions and purpose. I know a man and he loves clowns. When he expressed an interest in actually dressing up like a clown and entertaining children's birthday parties, my face (by his response) said it all. He then replies with "well it was only going to be my hobby". After making the child molester joke that was basically set up for me, I actually found respect for him. For his strange interest in clowns, he finds peace in the silly circus music and a mask of confidence behind his face paint. Then I smile at the idea of a clown making me forget my worries. In the end maybe we do all have a purpose.